Letter to Angels

To my little blue-eyed girl, who takes her sweet time enjoying every little thing around her. The one who will take her time looking for and picking the perfect flower (usually a weed) on every single walk to give to her mommy. The one who notices every single bird flying up above, every color of an evening sunset, every school bus we pass on the road, and every little detail of Tinkerbell. The one who fights with her little brother, but who protects him as much as a two year old can. The one who loves ketchup on everything, loves twirling around in her princess dress up clothes, and the one who thinks her mommy and daddy can do no wrong. And to my brown-skinned, dark eyed, handsome little boy, who chooses to run everywhere and body slams into everything. The one who has no fear of anything. The one who willingly jumps off the side of the pool, picks up bugs and worms, pets alligators, loves anything that is noisy and dirty. The one who is ALL boy, hyper, and will torture his sister all day. The one who never slows down until bedtime. The one who even though is on the go all day, quiets when you grab his blankie and rock him at night with his head on my chest, quietly singing "Jesus Loves Me" into his sweet little ears. The one that even at one and a half years old, has a big heart for others. It is to you two, I write this letter.

Lina'e and Kagon,
Over the past week, I have been reminiscing those early days when you entered our family through the wonderful gift of adoption. I remember when both of your tummy moms asked us if we would adopt you. We didn't even have to think about it! I then think about how much they must have trusted me and your dad. They must have had enough trust to place you both into our care, to allow you to become a Grinstead. When I think about how much they trusted us, it overwhelms me. Your tummy moms trusted us to raise you in a loving, nurturing, Christian home. They trusted us to provide for you, to provide you with a loving and stable home. They trusted us to give you experiences and take you places that they could not. They trusted us to love you unconditionally, to love you no matter the choices you make, no matter what you do or will do, no matter what you become, and no matter where you go in life. They trusted us to give you the world.

I am not sure if you know this or not, but we as a family are in a season of uncertainty. Daddy's job ended this morning. I have been dreading this day. This day means that we are in a season of waiting. Waiting is not fun, especially when you don't know what is next. Jesus and I have had some talks these past couple of weeks. The mornings when you two are snuggled in your beds, when the sunlight is starting to peek through your curtains, mommy is having those talks with Jesus. I tell Him that He brought you two into our lives, as tiny babies wrapped in blankets in our arms. I remind Him that your tummy moms trusted us with your lives, to provide for you, to take care of you. Then, He quickly reminds me that yes, your tummy moms trusted us with you, but it was ultimately HIM who entrusted you into our care. I have this sense of guilt that we can't live up to that trust right now. I don't know how things are going to get paid or how life is going to play out in the next few days, weeks, months. But, I do know that God is going to take care of us. I do know He is going to provide. I do know He is with us and has not left us. I do know He is working somewhere on our behalf.

So, in the season of waiting and uncertainty I ask you to do something for me. I ask that you remain patient. I ask that you keep playing dress up and racing your toy cars. I ask that you keep loving Tinkerbell and Melmo (Elmo). I ask that you still look for that perfect flower to pick and that you still remain amazed at the ants and bugs that crawl on the sidewalk. I ask that you still notice every color of the sunset on our evening drives and that you still have no fear of anything. I ask that you still will think the world of me even when I fail. I ask that you still will love me when I cry and ask God why. I ask that you still look up to me even when I lose my patience. I ask that you still lay your head on my chest at night while I sing  "Jesus Loves Me" to you because I need to hear those words just as much as you do. I ask that you still take my hand in yours because I need to know you are still my biggest fan.

See, mommy can learn a few things from you both in this season of waiting and uncertainty. Lina'e I can learn to appreciate the littlest things such as sunny skies, birds singing, my favorite song on the radio, and a text message or call from someone special. I can learn to relax, breathe, and to enjoy each minute of every single day. Kagon, I can learn from you as well. I can learn that even though life is so busy and we are go-go-go a lot, that I can still have fun and I can still laugh. I can learn that if God cares about the littlest of creatures, He cares about us even more than that. I can learn that life doesn't have to be serious all the time. I can learn from you that in my times of uncertainty and weakness, I can still have such a heart for others.

Lina'e and Kagon, right now, I can't give you the world even though I so wish I could. We can't drive the best minivan out there. We can't have a huge house. We can't go to Disney World three times a year. We can't take vacations every season of the year. I can't buy you a new toy every week. But, I CAN give you lots of love. I CAN give you my heart. I CAN make memories with you every single day. I CAN pick all the flowers your little hearts desire. I CAN watch bugs crawl around on the sidewalk with you. I CAN stay home with you each and every day and watch you grow and witness your milestones. I CAN kiss your boo-boo's. I CAN hold you when you cry. I CAN read your favorite story to you over and over. I CAN tuck you into bed at night. I CAN teach you that Jesus loves you so very much.

In this season we are in, I can't give you the world, but I pray and hope that as we wait together, my life as a mommy will point you to the one who is carrying us through. I pray that you will be able to learn something from me as well. I pray that you will learn through my life, words, and actions that even though life is uncertain at times, our God is faithful. I pray that you learn that yes, this is a rough patch but mommy trusted God with her whole heart and has seen what faith can do. I pray that you can learn that even when your heart is scared and hurting, you can go to the Comforter. I pray that in the end of this season, you witness the harvest of what we have sown. I pray that you witness showers of blessings. I pray that you see Jesus working in your mommy's heart and life. I pray that you see your mommy making a difference in other people's lives as we wait. I pray that you see your mommy love others more than herself. I pray that you see your mommy loving God, and I pray that you see your mommy walking in faith.

Lina'e and Kagon, I love you with my whole heart and I know that God placed you in our family for a reason. I know that He created you both for us. When I think about the attempted abortions you both survived, it brings tears to my eyes. He saved you for us. He knew we needed YOU! This season won't be long. We will make it through. We have lots of people praying. In the meantime, we will embrace each new day together, trusting that God will make himself known in a very big way. Mommy loves you to the moon and back, sweet angels.

Love,
Mommy