2012 started as a very scary year, but God had a special blessing in store to lift our spirits. You see, at the beginning of 2012 we were facing the trial of our little girl Lina'e. We were scared that this was going to be the year that we would lose Lina'e back to her birth family. However, in the midst of that fear, on January 3, 2012, Will and I went to Johnny Carino's with our attorney to meet a birthmom. We talked, ate, laughed, shared pics, etc. and left having a feeling of success. Just two short weeks later, I called into work because Lina'e had been up all night coughing and being miserable. I was laying in bed, and around 10:00 AM, I got a call from the birthmom's mom telling me that Will and I should get to the hospital because it wouldn't be much longer before our little guy would make his entrance into this world. My heart started racing (excitement, fear, etc) and I hurried upstairs to get Lina'e and I hurried and packed a diaper bag as well as I could with everything on my mind at that time. I called Will (he was at work) and told him what was happening and that I would be at his work in about 10 minutes. I picked him up and we headed straight to the hospital. We took the elevator up to the delivery floor and there I was greeted by birthmoms mom. Will stayed with Lina'e in the waiting room and she took me back to birthmoms room. I was nervous and excited and scared. Nervous that it would be awkward in the room with her and her family, excited to meet our new baby boy, and scared that we would meet precious Kagon and birthmom change her mind. Birthmom was so generous and kind to allow me to be in the room when he was born. The time came for her to push. She literally pushed not even one full push, and out he came. The doctor asked, "Who is cutting the cord?" and birthmom said...."His mom is." and look over at me. It was at that moment, I knew this was a done deal. It was in that moment I knew that this little 5 pound baby was ours forever. Due to some reliance of pain pills from the womb, Kagon had to stay in the NICU for 3 weeks. Those were the LONGEST 3 weeks of my life. We just wanted to take him home and we were always so torn being at the hospital and not being with Lina'e and vice versa. I remember going to the hospital for hours on end late in the evenings to early mornings and my late night chats with the NICU nurses. I remember the day we got to take him home, and it was such a fun day! He adjusted so well, and Lina'e loved watching him and trying to figure out this new "thing" in her world.
While we enjoyed our days as a family of 4, we had this black cloud of losing our daughter hanging over our heads daily. How were we supposed to enjoy life and enjoy things as a family, when the possibility of Lina'e getting sent back with her crazy birthfamily was looming over us? Prayer! Lots and Lots of prayer. There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed, and there were days when I didn't want to put Lina'e to bed because in my head, I wanted some special times to treasure in case these were my last days with her. I remember people saying to me and Will time and time again, "You have to trust God." Yeah, in my head I know that, but in my heart, I am scared. Scared of losing my princess. Scared of reliving the day when we lost Eli. It is so easy to trust God when we are on our mountaintop. However, when we are down in our lowest valley, God seems so far. I knew in my head that God already knew the outcome, but my heart was busy storing up memories with my precious daughter in case our time with her was coming to an end. Through the next 5 months, prayer was a big part of our lives and other peoples lives. People all over the USA were praying for our situation and for Lina'e to stay where she belonged. At times, I felt like God must have been so sick of hearing the same thing from me. And, at times, I felt like I couldn't pray at all. I was tired of praying. I was tired of praying and my prayers not getting answered. It was in those times, I was so thankful for people praying me through and for God already knowing what was on my heart even when I couldn't speak.
To make a long story short, our trial date was set for June 12th I believe. Two weeks before the trial, everything was dropped! We were able to work out some things with Lina'es birthmom and we didn't end up having to go to trial. I remember that night so vividly. Will and I got in our car and we hugged for a very long time and cried and cried and cried. We prayed with each other and thanked God for this HUGE weight off our shoulders. He had answered our prayers, in His timing, not ours! So, after that, we felt like we could truly start living again. Living as a family of 4 forever.
The summer of 2012 consisted of moving to Indianapolis, days at the pool, day trips, a vacation to New York, Will's birthday, my birthday, my sisters birthday, and the birth of my niece. It was a great summer. A summer of relaxation. Then in the fall we had my dad's birthday, Halloween (Kagon was a penguin and Lina'e was a ladybug), Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and our year literally ended with a great trip out to Maryland to see my sister, her husband, and little Adriana.
While we were in Maryland, we went to church with my sister and her husband. The pastor was talking about the year coming to a close and remember the things of the year that left you speechless. Speechless in a way, that words just couldn't explain. You know those things that happen that a "thank you" to God just doesn't even come close to how grateful you feel? Even in the midst of our "sour times" in 2012, we had a few "sweets." We had a couple of those moments when your heart is so overwhelmed with thankfulness, that you can't even find the words to thank the Lord with. There were many times after Lina'es trial was dropped that I just cried to God. Except these tears were tears of pure happiness.
My sours of 2012 are FAR outweighed by the sweets. I can't put into words how grateful we are to have Lina'e forever. I couldn't even imagine a day without her. I remember laying in bed (before everything was dropped) and thinking about what kind of things we would have to face and do without her if we lost her. Looking back, my faith was lacking. My faith was simply non-existent. My joy, my hope in God, my zest for life....gone. But, it is in those times that God does some incredible things. He uses your weakest times to boost your faith and trust in Him. When I was ready to throw in the towel, and give up on God, He came and He made Himself known. In my eyes, He performed a miracle.
As I look back on 2012, there are a few things that I learned. #1...I learned to enjoy life with your loved ones because they may be gone the next day. #2....I learned that God does things in HIS timing, not ours. #3...I learned that God chose me and Will to be parents of 2 special children through the awesomeness of adoption. #4......I learned that there will be times in life when you will break, and even though you have been a Christian for years and years, you may feel like jumping off the bandwagon.
I also learned that God is faithful to His children and He gives His children the desires of their heart. Yes, I already knew that in my head, but my heart had to experience it. The desire of my heart for 2012 was to be able to keep Lina'e forever. I didn't want to take her back to that family. I didn't want to drive off with an empty carseat and an empty space in my heart. The one thing I forgot in all that though, is that God knew all that. God knew my heavy heart. So in those times of non-existent faith and trust, He knew my heart. In those times when I couldn't pray, He knew my heart. In those times when I felt like running away from life, He knew my heart. And, because He knew my heart, He gave me the desires of my heart. He just answered in His timing, and not mine. 2012 brought us scary times, but it also brought us our sweet Kagon who truly loves life and loves his sissy. He is always smiling, and loves cuddles. God knew we needed Kagon at the beginning of 2012. Kagon was our ray of sunshine through our sours. But, in the end, our year ended sweet. Lina'e and Kagon, I pray that some day you will truly know how much you were wanted and prayed for. You both are our world. I pray that one day you will find true happiness in the One that turned this momma's heavy heart into a heart overflowing with thankfulness.
I want to share with you some things that happened today, all before noon. Today, my first MTO (mom's time out) was happening from 9:30 to 11:30. I had debated all week whether I should go or not. Going to it means: 1)We have to wake the kids up early 2)We have to take Will to work and 3)me taking the kids somewhere by myself 4)going somewhere where there are lots of people I don't even know and 5)me getting out of my pj's before noon. :) My husband, everyday, would ask me if I was excited to go and I would give a simple head nod or a quick "yes" or "I guess." Little did I know, God had this day all planned out for me.
Well, this morning came, and we got the kids up, took Will to work, got breakfast, etc. I REALLY was not looking forward to going. I would much rather stay in my pj's in our homey apartment, facebooking, and watching the news. After dropping Will off at work, it is about a 25 minute drive back to where we live. So, I had a whole 25-30 minutes to ponder whether or not I was REALLY going to muster up enough courage to go to this meeting for moms. Finally, I came to the conclusion that I would drive by the church and would then make a decision about going. Yes, I was making something huge about something so simple. I drove by the church, and there were several cars there. I felt my whole being just cringe and shut down. So, I kept driving past the church. However, I kept feeling a "nudge" from God as if He were saying, "Turn around, and GO!" I wasn't happy about it, but I turned around, parked, got the kids plus diaper bags and my bag, and we walked into church with a "smile" on my face. I got both kids to their rooms, and I was alone. I didn't have Will, and I didn't have the kids. Nobody to hide behind, and nobody to use as my crutch. I was on my own to discover what God had for me today. A kind lady directed me down the hall where I heard laughter, women talking, and music. I walk slowly down the hall, giving a quick smile to those I passed, acting like I was a confident mother excited to be the new person in a room full of 80+ moms. As I got to the room, I see lots of moms talking together, mingling, and laughing. I felt as though everyone stopped and watched me walk to my seat. (so not true) Today's topic was: "Dressing for you body type and loving what God gave you." We had a fun fashion show and had lots of laughs. After the fashion show, a lady gave a quick devotional/word of encouragement. She used my favorite Psalm. Psalm 139. She read the verses where it talks about how we are fearfully and wonderfully made and how God knew us even before we were born. Then she went on to read the verse about how God cares about each one of us and we are in His thoughts constantly. She went on to say how special we are to God, and if we were fearfully and wonderfully made in His image, then what is there not to like about ourselves?
I think all women struggle with their appearance at some point. I know I do. A lot of times I like to hide behind my pj's or my sweatshirt because I am ashamed of what I look like. But, in God's eyes, I am His masterpiece. I am His Princess. See, in God's eyes, I am fit for His royal ball. A quote that was read today was: "The curve of a smile is a woman's most perfect curve and the only tag that matters is the one that says Robed in the Righteousness of Christ." Wow! Why are we so concerned with our looks and our appearance when we already have the approval of the One who's opinion matters the most? Who cares if you have a big nose, or are a few pounds heavier than you'd like to be, or if you have a toe longer than the other, or saggy boobs, or jiggly arm fat, or thighs that rub when you walk? None of that matters, because the One who formed us in our mother's womb has already stamped us with His approval and given us a gown for His royal ball. Women and girls, it is time to embrace our bodies and love ourselves for who God made us to be. Love those extra rolls, love those spider veins, love those saggy boobs, and remember that you are BEAUTIFUL in the eyes of our Beholder. j
If that wasn't enough, God still had more for me to learn this morning. As I was sitting there, soaking this all in, God reminded me of the prayer that I have been praying for about 2 or 3 months. The prayer where I ask God day in and day out what MY role is. Yes, I know I am a wife and a mother. But, Will has this awesome role as a hospital chaplain and he gets to minister to families in need at a well known hospital, and he gets to dress up each day. Lord, what is MY role??? And it was during our ending prayer of mom's time out when God finally answered this prayer. As I was sitting in my chair soaking it all in of what I had learned about what God thinks of me, it was like I heard His still, small voice talking to just me, as if I was the only one in the room. It was as if He whispered in my ear, "Heather, your role is to be a wife and a mother. That is what I want your role to be right now. Be a wife to Will and a mother to the 2 children I have given to you. Give your all in those roles." I could feel the relief and weight lifted off my shoulders. All this time, I felt as if I was letting my husband down and letting my God down. Surely, I can be doing something big and great. But, all this time, all God wanted me to be was a wife and a mother. I can minister to my husband and I can minister to my kids. So, for now, I am going to enjoy being in that role of a wife to an amazing husband and a mom to the 2 best kids in the world. I am going to give my all, and pray that I can make a difference in the lives of my husband and my kids. And you know what the best part about this role as a wife and mother is??? I can do it while wearing pj's. :)
