He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not....

Where do I even begin?? I guess I will take you back to last weekend when in the car with just my husband, I asked him..."Do you think Kagon loves me?" Will was so quick to answer "of course he loves you!" I didn't really believe him. The past couple weeks have really been a struggle for me as a mom. With Lina'e, it was and is so easy to relate to her. I know how to play house with baby dolls and I know how to love pink and I know how to cook pretend food at a pretend kitchen. I know how to do all those things. But, little guy loves trucks, race cars, dinosaurs, and anything that is loud and noisy. I don't know how to play with trucks or race cars. All I know to do with those is to run them all over the floor and say, "vroom, vroom." So, as a mom I feel as if I don't know how to be a mom to Kagon. I don't know how to connect with him. I never had a brother, and wasn't really around boys all that often growing up. The last few weeks have been kinda rough. Many days have ended with tears from me and Kagon, praying that God would allow the next day to be better and to forgive me for those moments that I became a little less patient with him. 
Some days are REALLY good, and some days aren't so good. Some days I go to bed feeling like the worst mom in the world, and some days I go to bed feeling like a pretty darn good mom. Being a mom to Lina'e  comes so easy for me. Being a mom to Kagon is something I am learning to do. I love Kagon with my whole being, but he is a boy and I need to learn how to relate to him and how to love him for being all boy. I need to learn how to use my imagination with dinosaurs, trucks, cars, dirt, and boogers. Some days I feel like Kagon doesn't love me. As a 1 year old little boy, I don't even know if he understands the word love. But, I know he can feel what love means. I want him to be able to feel MY love. 
One night last week I was busy doing something around the house and walked down the hall and happened to glance back into Kagon's room, and there I saw my husband sitting in the rocking chair with a sweet little boy cuddled up on his chest asleep. In that one quick moment, I was jealous and heartbroken. I hurried into the kitchen and wiped away a tear or two and tried to regain my composure. I began questioning myself. "Why don't I get to have moments like that with him?" My days seem to be filled with "No, no Kagon" or "Kagon, don't open the cabinets" or "Kagon, don't go back there." So at the end of the day, I am so exhausted. Some days I feel like all I have said is NO. 
I want my kids to grow up knowing they were loved all the time, not just some of the time. There has never been a moment that I haven't loved both my kids. There have been times when I want to just go hide in our room and lock the door (ok, so I have done that) but there has never been a time where I don't love my kids. These children are what I prayed for. This dark eyed little boy is who I prayed for. When I prayed for a child, I didn't ask for specifics. I simply just wanted children. God picked me to be Kagon's mommy. He must have thought I could handle it. With God's presence and help, I can handle being a mom to Kagon. I can handle bugs, farts, boogers, dirt, and trucks. I prayed with my whole heart for this child. Some days are going to be rough. Some days we are going to float on cloud nine. When I think about it, my heart becomes so overwhelmed.....Out of all the women in this world, God chose ME to be Kagon's mom. God chose ME to be Lina'es mom.
I have learned some things since that night I saw my husband and son cuddled up in the rocking chair together. I have learned that I don't have those moments with Kagon often because I don't make the time. I learned that I don't know what to do with trucks and cars because I don't try. I have learned that all boys are pretty much the same, and I have to love Kagon for being a boy. I have learned that my son needs my love more than ever. And, I have learned that I need more time with my boy. So, from here on out, I am going to start using my imagination with cars, trucks, and dinosaurs. From here on out, I am going to TRY to not let things stress me out as much. And from here on out, I will rock my little boy to sleep, take all the cuddles I can get, wipe the never ending snot with a smile, and smell all the boy smells. For in the blink of an eye, he will be a grown man discovering how to be a dad to his own children. I don't want him to remember his mommy for her short temper, keeping the house immaculate every day, or making sure he didn't get into the pots and pans. I want him to remember me for being patient and loving, putting him before the housework, and letting him be his own band with all the pots and pans his little heart desired. I want to be a mom who is always remembered for loving unconditionally, floors covered with toys, and for pointing my children to Christ.