Empty Cradle

As Mother's Day is approaching, I can't help but go back to the four years before I became a mother. Since I was a little girl, all I had ever hoped to be was a mom. I never played with Barbies, I wasn't really interested in princesses or playing dress up. My days as a child involved dressing my baby dolls, feeding them bottles, pushing them in strollers, putting them in carseats and giving them baths. My little world revolved around those baby dolls as if they were live, little, tiny babies that I was really caring for. I remember I couldn't wait to get married so I could start my own family, fill up my house with real children, and live a "happily ever after" kind of life. There was just one little (ok, big) thing that nobody prepared me for or could prepare me for. What happens when the one dream I have had since I was just a babe on my parents knee, doesn't just happen. What if that pregnancy test only shows one line? What happens if I have an empty cradle for the rest of my life? See, nothing could prepare me for our journey. What I thought and dreamed would be so easy and so close within my reach, was so hard and seemed impossible.

Those four years were the longest years of my life it seemed. I don't know how much money we spent on home pregnancy tests, how many hours we sat in the bathroom waiting for a line or lines to show on the test, how many tears were shed, or even how many bouts I had of being mad at God. It was hard being happy for those around me getting pregnant. It was hard to hear a baby cry in a restaurant or in a store. It was hard for me to answer those questions like...."So when are you guys going to start popping them out??" If they only knew!! It was hard to hear moms talk about their sleepless nights.It was hard for me to hear mom complain about different things during their pregnancy. Did they know what I would do for one of their sleepless nights or a morning with my head in the toilet or to be so uncomfortable? Those years were a rollercoaster for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In those four years, we took test after test, only to be disappointed every single time. In those four years we also lost a son through a failed adoption. He was with us for three weeks. Nursery was done, a friend threw a shower, gifts were everywhere, every inch of the house was now filled with blue blankies, pacifiers, Johnson's shampoo, stuffed animals, cute little clothes, and bottles. Three short weeks later, he was taken from us. Awful situation. So, we were left with a bright blue nursery with airplane bedding, wooden letters spelled out across the wall- ELIJAH. We were left an empty crib. I can still remember the way he smelled. I still remember the way he would tuck his little hand in my shirt as he went to sleep. I still remember his little toothless smile when I would go in to get him in the mornings. He was my boy!  Now, almost 2 years later we have two amazing children through adoption.

I share all this because...I know how hard Mother's Day is when you want a child so bad, but it just hasn't happened. Mother's Day is a time to celebrate our mothers. Yes, we all have a mother but Mother's Day represents something different to different people. Maybe this Mother's Day, you are celebrating because you have a tiny little miracle growing inside of you. Maybe this Mother's Day you are celebrating because you are a mother to children that God has blessed you with. Maybe this Mother's Day you aren't celebrating.  Maybe it is because you have lost your mother. Maybe it is because you have empty arms.

Every year women either look forward to or dread this special day that comes once a year. As you might be celebrating the gift of life, I ask you to be sensitive to those other women who might be around you who aren't but wish so badly they were. In church, when the pastor asks the mother's to stand, say a prayer for those women around you sitting who hope to be standing by the next Mother's Day.  Am I saying you need to sit around the house, crying, mourning with those who can't celebrate?? Absolutely not! Celebrate for the gift of little precious children pulling at your leg. Celebrate those sleepless nights. Celebrate the spit-up on your new dress. Celebrate the milestones. Celebrate because you are a mom. However, keep those women who cannot celebrate quite yet, in your thoughts and prayers. Reach out to one of them. Hug them. For their day involves an empty cradle.