Sex, Drugs, and Rockin' a Baby......

When you are called to adopt, you step out on faith and trust God that He will bring the right child to you, to your family. When you adopt an infant, it is completely out of your control to take care of that little baby inside another woman's tummy. There is no way to control what she drinks, what she eats, where she goes, who she sleeps with, or how she takes care of herself during the pregnancy. You simply have to sit back and wait and pray for that little life growing inside her womb. Sometimes when you adopt, you find out very late in to the pregnancy and you have no idea what the last 9 months of pregnancy were like for the tummy mom and you have no idea what she ate, drank, swallowed, etc. That is how our journey to Kagon was. We got a call from our attorney's office about two weeks before Christmas in 2011. They told us there was a birthmom who would like to place her child for adoption and she wanted to meet us. January 3rd, 2012 we had dinner with her and her family, and 3 days later we got ultrasound pictures, and on January 12th he was born. It all was so very exciting but moved extremely fast.

I remember that day clearly. I got to be in the delivery room and I even got to cut the cord. What an amazing experience it was to watch our little 5 pound baby boy enter the world. We knew that there might be some issues with drug exposure, but we weren't really expecting what the bigger picture would look like. We spent 3.5 weeks in the NICU watching him go through withdraws. That was enough to make anyone cry. To hold him while he cried and cried, knowing there was absolutely nothing you could do for him. No milk, cuddles, skin to skin, or songs could ease the pain he was going through. However, we loved him. He was ours. He was our son. Even to this day, there are times when he gets so out of control and it takes my mind back to those long days and nights rocking him in the NICU. The many emotions that I felt as I watched him grab his face as if ten million bugs were crawling on his skin. Thoughts like "How could one be so selfish to misuse prescription drugs?" "Didn't she know the baby inside her would be the one who would suffer?" But then my mind would always come back to the little baby in my arms that made me a mommy once again. Yes, my baby suffered/suffers because of some choices tummy mommy made, BUT she did trust us enough to hand over this precious life to us to raise, to love, to take care of. That selfless, courageous decision outweighs the bad by a lot.

Today was one of those days that my mind started having those nasty thoughts as I watched my two year old son act in a way that I just couldn't control. My mind instantly goes back to those NICU moments as I watched his body go through withdraws and knowing in my heart and mind that there was nothing I could do. Tonight, as I watched my son have one of his fits, my heart hurt. My heart hurt because I know that when he gets so worked up and has one of these fits, there is nothing that I can pull out of my mommy hat to make it better. Even though I knew that in my heart, I am human and I got upset. I got worked up too. I took him down stairs and put him in time out. As I watched him cry and sob, I began to tear up. Yes, part of it is the toddler stage, but part of it is some long term effects he has to deal with. I got him out of time out, had a talk with him and I dimmed the lights, got his blankie and mickey mouse, and turned on his lullaby CD. We both sat in the recliner and I started rocking him.

I took his chubby little hand in mine and looked into those big, dark, brown eyes and tears began to fill my eyes. It was in that moment that I remembered how far he has come. It was in that moment I remembered that this is the son that God gave me and that God must of thought I was cut out for this job. It was in that moment that I remembered that all I ever wanted to be was a mom and my dream came true. It was in that moment that I realized that me and him, once again, survived another day. As a mom, I believe that that is all God requires us to do. I believe He requires us to love our children, point them to Him through our words and actions throughout the day, and at the end of the day ask God if He will give you another chance to parent your child/children tomorrow. God gives a brand new serving of Grace, patience, love, humility, and endurance for each new day. I am so very thankful for that. We survived a rough day. Tomorrow (Lord willing), I will go to his crib and I will be met with a cute little "Hi, mommy!" and a big hug from a cute little brown eyed little boy with puppy pajamas on. He will more than likely not remember how mommy got frustrated and he will love me unconditionally and will give me another chance to be his mommy. The day will start over, and memories with my kids will be made.

As parents, our days aren't always easy. Some days come with many trials and difficulties, and some days come with great joy and fun. Each day, no matter what it bring, is another day from God. It is a new day to experience new things, make new memories, and love more. Children are such a gift. We should never take our children for granted. They are only loaned to us for so long, we need to make the most of it. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for the difficult days because I know that God knew I could handle it. So as you kiss your children goodnight, or as you are rocking your little ones to sleep.......take a deep breath because you survived another day. Tomorrow is a new day, new start, new chance.