Will and I started trying for children pretty much right after we got married. The one thing I wanted to be ever since I was a little girl is a mom. The thing that you don't know or get taught as a young child though, is that not every woman can have a baby. Not every woman can get pregnant. So, imagine the heartache and disappointment month after month, seeing only one line on pregnancy test after pregnancy test after pregnancy test. I would hate to know the amount of money we spent on those darn things. Lots of tears shed in the bathroom as I prayed over my pee on a stick, only to see one pink line show up. After about a year and a half, we decided that maybe it was time to take a break from trying and just enjoy life again. So we planned a nice week long anniversary trip to the Smokey Mountains. We had such a relaxing time. We got a cabin with a hot tub, indoor jacuzzi, nice little kitchen, and a pretty view. It was nice to just get away and enjoy God's beautiful creation and all the fun things to do in Pigeon Forge. After spending a week there, we came home to reality. At the time, Will was working as a telemarketer and I had a daycare out of our home. A couple days later, I got a phone call from our foster care agency. We were newly licensed with them, so I was surprised to get a call that soon. She called asking if we would be interested in going through the interviewing process for a 4 month old little boy named Elijah. Without hesitation, I think I SCREAMED yes!! :) She said that there were about 6 families total that would be interviewed for this little boy. She advised us to maybe make a photo book of us, our home, and families. That night we went to Hobby Lobby and shopped for the cutest scrapbook, stickers, etc for our book. We finished the book that very night. To make a long story short, we went through 2 interviews and eventually got the call that we were the chosen couple for this sweet boy. He would be in our home for three months before we could officially adopt him, and then we would get to adopt him around Christmas of 2009. We got that call on a Wednesday and got to pick him up on that Friday. We were taken into a room while we waited for his foster mom to bring him in. I remember tears welling up in my eyes as they walked in with him. I remember what he was wearing, and I remember how cute he was. We fell in love with him as soon as we saw him.
The next few days involved meeting family members, creating and painting his nursery, baby showers, and nights where we would just hold him and stare at him. We loved this family that happened so quickly. To make a longer story shorter, since he was technically labeled as a "foster child" until the adoption was final, we were required to have visits with the social workers once or twice a week. On all of their visits, we were told what a great job we were doing and how he seemed to be so comfortable in our home. One day, in the 3rd week of having him in our home we had a routine social worker visit. They were asking how we were adjusting and liking having him with us. Somehow in the visit, it came up that I was on a low dose of anti-depressants at the time. They assured us that that is normal and lots of people are on them, blah blah blah. The visit ended well, and we crossed it off as one less visit before adoption gets to happen. The next evening (a Thursday night), we were having my parents over for dinner. I received a call from the social worker. It was at 5:30, so I thought that was very odd. She said her and another lady needed to stop by. I told them my family was getting ready to come over for dinner and that maybe the next day might be better. She insisted they had to come that evening and that they wouldn't stay long. I agreed, but very confused on why they HAD to come. They arrived a short time later, and they had a look on their faces like they were getting ready to give us some bad news. I had Eli in my arms, and I invited them into the living room. We all sat down, and there was a minute (which seemed like forever) of silence, and then they cut straight to it. They said that we had done such a great job with him, and that they knew this was going to be hard on us, but they were going to come the next morning to remove him from our home. In complete shock, I asked them their reasoning. This is what they told me..."We just don't think Elijah deserves a mom that is taking anti-depressants." My heart sank.It was MY fault. I bawled. We wanted them out of our home! Before they left they told us to have Eli's belongings packed and to have him dressed and ready to go by 10:00 AM the next morning. I remember just falling to the floor, and bawling over Eli who was playing on the floor. My family walked in shortly after, expecting dinner to be made and ready to eat. Instead, they saw their daughter and sister in a ball bawling on the floor yelling, "They are taking our son!" over and over and over. We called our pastor and he came over and prayed with us, and the rest of the night involved holding Eli and packing up his clothes, bottles, favorite toys and blankies.
The next morning came fast. We put his new Colts sweatsuit on him and some cute little Colts socks. His belongings were sitting by the door with his sock monkey sitting on top. We paced the floors, and looking out the window at the pouring rain we finally saw the dreaded car pull in the drive. I started to bawl once again. I knew what that care represented. It represented taking my dream away. It represented a family being torn apart. It represented a child being an orphan again. It represented unfairness. It represented an empty crib and an empty airplane nursery with clothes, tags still on them, hanging in the closet that would never be worn. We heard the knock at the door, and my knees grew weak. Will answered the door, and the social workers were quiet. They didn't waste much time. They began taking Eli's tote of clothes to the car, then his diaper bag. We both knew the next thing to be taken to the car.....our son. They told us to say our good-bye's. My family was there as well as a close friend. We held him, smelled him, cried on him, squeezed him, and prayed over him. We loaded him into his carseat and we handed him over. We followed them as they took him outside in the rain and loaded him in the car. We gave him our last kiss and shut the door. We barely could walk back to the house. We stood there watching the car pull away, and it hit me. I remember screaming and hitting my husband, yelling at him to go get our son. I fell to the floor and sobbed. That evening we went to stay with my family. We stayed in their basement that night and around 3:00 AM, I ran upstairs because I heard a baby crying. I went to his bed that he slept in while at mom and dad's and it was empty. I had woken up to reality. Our son being gone was not a dream. It was real. Days, weeks, and months went by. Many evenings we would go sob on the nursery floor. Many days I would go in the empty nursery, frantically going through the little pile of his dirty laundry trying to smell his scent again. We weren't sure if we were going to make it through that. The heartache of it all was enough to kill us. Even writing this, it takes me back to those days. However, four years later here we are. Do we miss him? ABSOLUTELY! Do I still feel guilt from time to time? Of course! But, we are still alive and well to tell this story. This story is part of our story. Looking back, I am reminded of God's faithfulness. He carried us when we couldn't carry on. He used the prayers of others to lift us up when we didn't have or didn't want to have the words to pray. He used others to lift us up, encourage, and take us under their wing. God was faithful then, and He is still faithful now. I still thank God for the time we were able to parent Eli. We will always consider him our son, and we will always thank God for him, even though our time with him was short.
About 16 months later, we were blessed with the gift of our daughter Lina'e through adoption. We officially adopted her on January 30, 2011! Our world felt complete again. The pink, the bows, the frills, the baby dolls. Oh, how fun!!!! A tiny little baby, weighing a little over 5 pounds, born with marijuana in her system, and having to wear oxygen and a heart monitor for the first five months of her life. I remember how fun it was to put her in cute little pink outfits with bows that matched. I remember the sleepless nights the first few nights we had her, worried that her heart monitor would go off. I remember how cuddly she was. We were enjoying life again as a family of three. One day six months later in June of 2011, Will and I left Lina'e with my parents for the day while we went to go fishing for the day at Summit Lake. We dropped her off around 9 or 10 in the morning, and left for the day.....or so we thought. We arrived at Summit Lake (about half hour away), found a good spot, unloaded our car, walked down the hill to the lake, sat our chairs up, got our fishing poles all rigged up and got the hooks out into the lake. Literally, about five minutes later, Will's phone rang. It was our attorney. Will answered it, and I could tell by his face and his words that we were getting some bad news. He hung up and slowly walked toward me and sat down in his chair. There were a few seconds of silence and then he told me. Lina'es birthmom had filed a petition to get Lina'e back. Once again, we were devastated. Once again, I was threatened to lose my dream. We packed up our stuff and headed back to mom and dad's. The car ride back was complete silent, with silent tears streaming down my face. We got to mom and dad's, and imagine their shock when we walked in the door and I was bawling. We told them what had happened, and I could tell in their eyes...their hearts sank.
The next few months were miserable. We tried to be the parents that Lina'e deserved. We tried to be strong, but then something would happen that made us fall apart. A lie was told about us, or birthfamily was driving by our house, or having to call the cops because birthfamily was parked outside our house, or having to leave our church because we were being stalked by the birthfamily. These type of things went on for a whole year. Our trial dates kept getting moved, so this fight to keep our daughter went on for a whole year. We had many hard days. Wondering if this would be the last holiday with her, or if we would get to see her first steps, or if this would be the last morning I would get to get her out of her bed. Kagon was also born in the midst of all this. How would I explain to him that his sister got taken away? Living like that was tiring. Very tiring. Everyone kept saying that God would answer our prayers, and that everything was going to turn out just fine and to keep the faith. Let me tell ya....I am a Christian and I believe in God. However, when you are going through a trial, it is easier said than done. When you don't know if you are going to lose your child again, it isn't always easy to say, “Lord, I know that your will is best. I have faith that you are going to have good come from it.” Again, to make a long story shorter, our final trial date was set for June 2012. Two weeks before the final trial, we got another call from our attorney. Birthmom wanted us all to come together and see if we could come to some agreement so everything could be dropped. Two days later, we met with her, her attorney, and our attorney. We met for a few hours and finally came up with an agreement and that night all of it was dropped. If you can picture yourself carrying all your grocery bags inside the house, and that feeling when you finally let go of them and put them down....That is how it felt. I literally felt like the weight of the world was lifted, and we could enjoy life again as a family without worrying if this or that would be the last with Lina'e. Even though we would never want to go through that again, and even though we wouldn't wish that on our worst enemy....looking back now, we saw that once again God was faithful. He stayed true to His promises. Our faith was tested, we passed the test, and we owe it all to Him and His love and grace.
In the midst of Lina'es trial situation, two weeks before Christmas 2011, we got another call from our attorney. Will had just picked me up at work. ( I was working in a Doctor's office at the time) I opened the door to kiss Lina'e and Will looked back at me and said, “Our attorney's office called.” Once again, my heart fell to my stomach. “Not again” I thought. He quickly said, “They want to know if we would like another baby.” I yelled, “YES! YES! YES!” We called them back to tell them we were interested. Three weeks later we met the birthmom at Johnny Carino's for dinner. Everything went so well!!! Two weeks later I called into work because Lina'e was up coughing all night and I felt like I needed to be with her. Later that morning, I got a call from the birthmom telling me we needed to get to the hospital soon because she was in labor. I RAN (and I don't run :) ) upstairs, scooped Lina'e up in my arms and packed a diaper bag and got into the car. I called Will on the way (he was at work) and told him I was on my way to pick him up because there was a baby on the way. We got there, and I went back to the birthing area and was greeted by birthmom's mom. She told me that she (birthmom) really would like me in the room. I was so excited! I called my mom and told her we were at the hospital and she came fast. We were in the waiting room for about a half hour when birth grandma came and got me saying that birthmom was getting ready to push. I got into the room and shortly she began to push. She only had to push one time, and he was here! The doctor asked who was cutting the cord, and I will never forget that moment. Birthmom looked up at me and said, “His mommy will.” What a neat experience!!!! Kagon Zachariah was born at 2:18 in the afternoon, weighing 5 lbs. 14 oz. He was born addicted to pain killers and had to stay in the NICU for 3 and a half weeks. Seeing your little baby boy go through withdrawals is TERRIBLE. Uncontrollable crying, scratching his face, can't sleep or stay still and knowing that NOTHING you do will help. After a few weeks we were able to bring him home and adjust to being a family of four. What blessings!
What do I want others to take away from this?
- GOD IS FAITHFUL, and HE ALWAYS KEEPS HIS PROMISES!!!!! (even
in bad times)
- Don't ever take your ability to get pregnant for granted.
Many women wish with every ounce of their being that they could
carry a child.
- Don't ever take your child/children for granted.
- We aren't promised tomorrow with our loved ones. Make
memories and love on your family.
- Children are such blessings from God. Enjoy them, love them,
encourage them, build them up, point them to Christ.
- Adoption is not always easy, but it is SO worth it.
- Not all adoption experiences are like ours! Every adoption is
different. Please don't let our story scare you. We have beautiful
children to show for our trials and what God did!
- Pray about how you can be involved in some way with adoption.
If God is not calling you to adopt, pray about how you can reach out
to adoptive parents or talk to your church or family about what you
can do.
- PRAY for the children who are waiting for families to adopt
them. Pray that God will send a family that will love on them and
adopt them.
- PRAY for those families who have empty arms who are waiting
for God to bless them with a child.
- PRAY for those families who have lost a child/children.
Whether it be through death or something else, it is NOT easy.
So, to the ones who say we took the easy way out and to the ones who say our we got our babies so easily, I hope our story shows that we did not in fact take the easy way out and our journey was in fact not easy at all. Looking back on our journey, I am reminded of the well known poem, Footprints In The Sand. I look back on our journey and I can remember those days that I felt like I couldn't go any further. Those are the days He carried me. I look back on some of those really rough days of uncertainty and see only one set of footprints. I am so thankful to have a Savior who picks us up, carries us, and gives us strength to face another day. When I think about our children and how God has blessed us, I can't help but get tears in my eyes. Because of HIM, I have two special angels sleeping soundly in their beds with not a care in the world. My life-long dream of being a mom is now a reality. Yes, there are days that they drive me nuts. But, there are more days that they make me laugh, and simply look to Heaven and thank God for giving me the gift of my children. Our journey has not been easy, but when I look into my children's eyes or when I hold their soft little hands, or when I sing them to sleep.....it makes our journey all worth it.
“Not
flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone but miraculously my own. Never
forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart but in
it.”
