Here I sit tonight in the peace and quiet of my home, wrapped in a blanket...pj's on, and listening to the whirling sound of fans and lullaby music playing in the kids' rooms. Everyone is fast asleep and I am here, with tears streaming down my face. Tonight, I am packing for something different. Since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted to be was a mommy. I dreamed of having a life grow inside of me. I dreamed of feeling little kicks and little hiccups from inside me. I dreamed of watching my belly grow and hearing a little one's heartbeat. I always just assumed that life would happen how I imagined it happening. Growing up, getting married, getting pregnant, and having a family. It sounded so simple to me growing up. But nobody tells you that life doesn't always turn out like we plan. Life isn't always perfect. Life sometimes deals us a hand that we never saw coming. Sometimes life seems unfair and cruel.
Almost 4 years ago, a little baby girl entered this world. A little 5 lb. 14 oz baby girl entered this world struggling to breathe on her own and with abnormal heart rhythms. See, this baby was a miracle. She shouldn't have been alive but she was. She was alive because God saved her. He saved her for a woman who so desperately wanted a child. He saved her so that I could be her mom. On January 31st, 2011, Lina'e Ashley Addisyn became my daughter for good. She was so tiny and I had so much fun dressing her up and showing her off. I was so proud of her, She was the light of my life. Almost exactly one year later, I remember stepping foot into the delivery room and watch such a brave woman deliver a beautiful baby boy. I remember cutting the cord and hearing the words, "Give him to his mom." Before I knew it, here I was holding a little 5 lb baby boy in my arms. See, this baby was a miracle too. His birthmom had paid for an abortion and walked out after hearing his heartbeat. Her words...."I just felt like someone was praying for this baby." November 2nd, 2012, Kagon Zachariah became my son for good. Forever. This was God's plan for me. This was God's plan to make me a mom. Adoption.
In exactly one week, I will travel to the hospital and undergo surgery, a complete hysterectomy. This surgery may not mean the same thing to all women. But to a 29 year old woman, this is devastating. This is permanent. This cannot be changed. This is forever.I will never experience the moment of seeing two lines on a pregnancy test. I will never experience morning sickness. It is something to grieve. I am grieving the loss of a dream. Does this mean I do not love my children? NO! Does this mean I am not thankful for my children? NO! I love my children with all my heart. I would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat. But something that I have tried to control for years, is being taken...for good, and I believe that I can grieve.
Bearing a child was not in God's plan for my life. Years later I am coming to grips with this. God didn't change His plans for me last month. He didn't change His plans for me a year ago. God's plan for me has been the same since I was created. He wanted me to create a family through adoption, and through adoption, I am a mom of two adorable little children. Tonight, as I reflect on what this next week means for me, I am slowly packing some dreams. Packing something usually involves unpacking them at some time. However, the dreams, anxieties, fears, anger, and questions that I am packing away cannot be unpacked. As I pack each thing away, my "suitcase" is becoming more full....to the point where I will eventually have to zip it up, and walk it to where it belongs. Next Thursday morning, I will walk my suitcase full of anxieties, fears, some anger, my questions, and my dream of carrying a child to the throne. I will shed some tears, and simply lay my luggage at Jesus' feet. It is there where I will leave my luggage for good.
I pray that in the future, God will bring people into my path, who I can share with and who I can relate with and who I can encourage. I pray that I can be an encouragement to someone down the road who is going through something similar. I pray that my struggles and my weaknesses point back to Christ and that my journey gives God all the glory. As you finish reading this, I ask that you pray for the ones that are waiting and praying for a child. I ask that you never feel guilty for having the ability to carry a child because you have the right to experience that joy and happiness. I ask that you never ever take the ability to carry a child for granted.
I don't know how God is going to use me in the future. I don't know if God will see fit to bring any more children in my life or not. But this I do know.....I am going to squeeze my babies a little harder tomorrow as I remember that God saved them for me. I am going to love them with all my heart until my time with them runs out. I will remind them always how long I prayed for them and that they were the answers to my prayers. I will always let them know I am proud of them. I will always love them no matter what mistakes they may make. I will always try my hardest to be the best mom possible to them. The next few days as I "pack" and take a walk to the foot of the cross, may I be reminded that God is still good. May I be reminded that HE is my strength. And as I leave my dream at the feet of my Savior, I pray that in that moment my heart can truly say..."The Lord gives, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
