Packing and Laying My Dreams at His Feet....

Almost two years ago, I remember the excitement of taking a trip to Disney World. I had a "Mickey Countdown" on our wall, I was pinning things like crazy on Pinterest, buying new clothes for me and cute little Disney clothes for the kids. I had envisioned this trip for awhile and I had dreamed for so long to get to take the kids there. I imagined their faces lighting up when they saw Tinker Bell for the first time and Mickey and Minnie right in front of their eyes. The trip was finally here after counting down for months. A week before we left, I began writing lists. What to do before we left list, what to buy before we leave list, what to take list, etc. I began laying out everyone's clothes, shoes, toys, bathing suits, movies, snacks, diapers, wipes, blankies, stuffed animals, and the list goes on. A couple days before I started packing it all up in different suitcases. The time had come and we were off. HOURS later we arrived at our hotel. We checked in, and the first thing I do on vacation is unpack everything and find a place for everything. I unpacked every single flip flop, diaper, bathing suit, sand buckets, shovels, etc. Finally I had everything unpacked and vacation was ready to start!

Here I sit tonight in the peace and quiet of my home, wrapped in a blanket...pj's on, and listening to the whirling sound of fans and lullaby music playing in the kids' rooms. Everyone is fast asleep and I am here, with tears streaming down my face. Tonight, I am packing for something different. Since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted to be was a mommy. I dreamed of having a life grow inside of me. I dreamed of feeling little kicks and little hiccups from inside me. I dreamed of watching my belly grow and hearing a little one's heartbeat. I always just assumed that life would happen how I imagined it happening. Growing up, getting married, getting pregnant, and having a family. It sounded so simple to me growing up. But nobody tells you that life doesn't always turn out like we plan. Life isn't always perfect. Life sometimes deals us a hand that we never saw coming. Sometimes life seems unfair and cruel.

Almost 4 years ago, a little baby girl entered this world. A little 5 lb. 14 oz baby girl entered this world struggling to breathe on her own and with abnormal heart rhythms. See, this baby was a miracle. She shouldn't have been alive but she was. She was alive because God saved her. He saved her for a woman who so desperately wanted a child. He saved her so that I could be her mom. On January 31st, 2011, Lina'e Ashley Addisyn became my daughter for good. She was so tiny and I had so much fun dressing her up and showing her off. I was so proud of her, She was the light of my life. Almost exactly one year later, I remember stepping foot into the delivery room and watch such a brave woman deliver a beautiful baby boy. I remember cutting the cord and hearing the words, "Give him to his mom." Before I knew it, here I was holding a little 5 lb baby boy in my arms. See, this baby was a miracle too. His birthmom had paid for an abortion and walked out after hearing his heartbeat. Her words...."I just felt like someone was praying for this baby." November 2nd, 2012, Kagon Zachariah became my son for good. Forever. This was God's plan for me. This was God's plan to make me a mom. Adoption.

In exactly one week, I will travel to the hospital and undergo surgery, a complete hysterectomy. This surgery may not mean the same thing to all women. But to a 29 year old woman, this is devastating. This is permanent. This cannot be changed. This is forever.I will never experience the moment of seeing two lines on a pregnancy test. I will never experience morning sickness. It is something to grieve. I am grieving the loss of a dream. Does this mean I do not love my children? NO! Does this mean I am not thankful for my children? NO! I love my children with all my heart. I would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat. But  something that I have tried to control for years, is being taken...for good, and I believe that I can grieve.

Bearing a child was not in God's plan for my life. Years later I am coming to grips with this. God didn't change His plans for me last month. He didn't change His plans for me a year ago. God's plan for me has been the same since I was created. He wanted me to create a family through adoption, and through adoption, I am a mom of two adorable little children. Tonight, as I reflect on what this next week means for me, I am slowly packing some dreams. Packing something usually involves unpacking them at some time. However, the dreams, anxieties, fears, anger, and questions that I am packing away cannot be unpacked. As I pack each thing away, my "suitcase" is becoming more full....to the point where I will eventually have to zip it up, and walk it to where it belongs. Next Thursday morning, I will walk my suitcase full of anxieties, fears, some anger, my questions, and my dream of carrying a child to the throne. I will shed some tears, and simply lay my luggage at Jesus' feet. It is there where I will leave my luggage for good.

I pray that in the future, God will bring people into my path, who I can share with and who I can relate with and who I can encourage. I pray that I can be an encouragement to someone down the road who is going through something similar. I pray that my struggles and my weaknesses point back to Christ and that my journey gives God all the glory. As you finish reading this, I ask that you pray for the ones that are waiting and praying for a child. I ask that you never feel guilty for having the ability to carry a child because you have the right to experience that joy and happiness. I ask that you never ever take the ability to carry a child for granted.

I don't know how God is going to use me in the future. I don't know if God will see fit to bring any more children in my life or not. But this I do know.....I am going to squeeze my babies a little harder tomorrow as I remember that God saved them for me. I am going to love them with all my heart until my time with them runs out. I will remind them always how long I prayed for them and that they were the answers to my prayers. I will always let them know I am proud of them. I will always love them no matter what mistakes they may make. I will always try my hardest to be the best mom possible to them. The next few days as I "pack" and take a walk to the foot of the cross, may I be reminded that God is still good. May I be reminded that HE is my strength. And as I leave my dream at the feet of my Savior, I pray that in that moment my heart can truly say..."The Lord gives, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Wet Glass Bottle

Over the past 2 or 3 weeks, I have either read, heard, or have been reminded of a certain verse. I have read it in my devotions, I have read it in different places on Facebook, I have heard it on the radio. I kept thinking how cool it was to hear and read that verse over and over, but then it dawned on me that God must be wanting to remind me how faithful He is to His children even when it doesn't seem like He is hearing my earnest prayers.

Psalm 56:8  "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."

I have heard this verse and read it many times over the years, but when you get married, start your own life and life starts happening, this verse takes on a whole new meaning. The other night I was laying in bed and it was around 1:00 in the morning and I couldn't get to sleep. I had just read this verse on Facebook somewhere that day and I got to thinking about it. I prayed that God would constantly remind me of this verse when hardships come. I then began thinking deeply about this verse. When I see or read this verse, a very clear picture comes to mind. When we lived in Indianapolis, we got all our milk delivered in a cooler on our porch every week. We loved it. The kids loved to watch for the milkman! The milk we got came in glass bottles. Clean, clear glass bottles with a tight lid on them. That is the type of bottle I picture in this verse. I also picture "H-E-A-T-H-E-R" written across it with big bold letters. Yes, of course there are lots of Heather's in the this world, but this bottle with "HEATHER" written across it is mine and God knows. My bottle is getting full. What looks like a bunch of clear (with a little mascara) liquid to me, they look totally different to God. See, God knows exactly what each tear drop in my bottle represents. I don't remember what all I have shed tears over in my 27 years of life, but I do remember some top moments that brought on the tears. God knows which of my tears were shed when I got in trouble as a little girl, or when I sat in the car with mom after I just found out I didn't make the volleyball team, or when I got in a fight with my best friend, or when we got the phone call that my grandma had died, or when I was homesick at camp, or how about when we I saw only 1 line on millions (or so it seemed) of home pregnancy tests, or when we lost our son Eli, or when we thought we were going to lose Lina'e, or that time when I didn't know how we were going to put a meal on the table for our kids. God knows exactly how many tears were shed in those life events and He has recorded them all. My tears are not forgotten. God knows. God remembers.

See, those tears that we cry, are all recorded with God. They are not forgotten. When things in life happen and I feel like God isn't listening or hearing my prayers, He always takes me by the hand and He sits me down. (This is how I envision it in my mind) He finds my glass bottle sitting on one of the many shelves. He gets my bottle down and sits down with me. He takes the lid off and He begins to pour my tears out very slowly. And as He pours out each tear, He reminds me what that tear was for. After He shows me and reminds me of all my tears, He looks at me and says, "Heather, my child, if I know what all of these tears represent, what makes you think that I don't know what you need?" And as I sit in silence with tears flowing down my face, God quietly places them in my bottle.  

Maybe your tears represent something different than mine. Perhaps your tears represent divorce, or the loss of a job, or the loss of a child or spouse, or your house being forclosed on, or losing a pet, or having a miscarriage, or a flat tire on a rainy day, or when your child has gone on a different path than you hoped, or when you are hoping for and waiting on a child. Sometimes our tears seem so silly in a situation, but you know what? God doesn't think they are silly. Tears represent our feelings. God knows our hearts. You have a clear glass bottle with your name written in big, bold letters across it just like I do. Maybe yours is getting full too. God always takes us back to our glass bottles. He reminds us about His faithfulness in all our situations of life. If He knows your tears, and if He knows my tears, then surely He knows our wants and needs. Re-visit your glass bottle, and I am sure you will be reminded once more of God's faithfulness.

S is for SEEK

One of my kids' favorite games to play with mommy and daddy is Hide and Seek. They love to go upstairs and count, and then come down and seek out mom and dad. Sometimes our hiding spots are obvious, and sometimes they have to look beyond the obvious places. The end result is hearing precious belly laughs. We also use the same hiding spots over and over, but they still love the game.

As I think about the simple game of hide and seek, it makes me think....do I enjoy seeking Jesus? Do I seek Him out, excited for the end result? We seem to always seek him in the good times, the obvious times. In the good times, we know that God is good. But, sometimes when tragedy strikes our lives, it isn't so obvious that He is still there. Are we seeking Him in just the obvious, good times when things are going so smoothly? Or are we seeking and finding Him in the mess and storms of life? He doesn't hide from us, He is just simply waiting for us to find Him and seek Him with all our heart. 

R is for Recipes

I LOVE to cook and bake. My dream is to open a diner and serve some good comfort type foods. So for today, I would like to share some of my favorite "go to" recipes. Enjoy! If you are reading this, share one of your favorite recipes!

CHILI:

2 cans of hot chili beans
1 package of chili seasoning
desired amount of macaroni noodles
1.5 pounds of ground beef
1 onion diced
2 cans of diced tomatoes
1 can-full of water
4 tbsp brown sugar
salt and pepper
chili powder
3 tsp minced garlic

*brown hamburger and add onion and garlic
*in separate pan, boil macaroni noodles
*Once hamburger and onion are done, add the rest of ingredients including the macaroni. Stir, heat until warm/hot. Enjoy!


STROMBOLI:

1 pound ground beef
Pepperoni
1 bag shredded cheese
1 onion diced
1 green pepper diced
1 can of pizza dough
butter
garlic powder/salt

*Preheat oven to 400 degrees
* roll out the pizza dough and fill with all ingredients. (you can add whatever pizza toppings you like)
*fold it together in a "roll" and seal the ends.
*brush with melted butter and sprinkle with garlic powder/salt
* bake for 15-20 minutes or until golden brown
* slice and serve with pizza sauce for dipping

HOMEMADE MEAT RUB:

3 TBSP salt
2 TBSP pepper
5 TBSP brown sugar
1 TBSP garlic powder
3 TBSP ground cloves
2 TBSP ground mustard
*mix and rub rub rub
*I have used it on pork chops, steak, roast, chicken, pork loin, etc


CHICKEN CASSEROLE:

4-6 boneless/skinless chicken breast trimmed of the fat
2 cans cream of celery soup
2 cans cream of chicken soup
2 cups of sour cream
1 sleeve of Ritz crackers
1 stick of butter
salt and pepper

*preheat oven to 350 degrees
* cook/boil your chicken breasts
* in a mixing bowl, mix together your soups and sour cream
* in a greased 9x13 pan, lay your chicken down then cover the chicken breasts with the soup mixture.
* crumble the crackers and sprinkle on top
* melt the butter and drizzle all over the top
*sprinkle with salt and pepper
*bake uncovered for 20-25 minutes

PEANUT BUTTER PIE:

1 c. Peanut Butter
1 c. sugar
1 thing of cream cheese
1 large tub of whipped cream
1 chocolate graham cracker crust
1 jar of hot fudge ice cream topping
 

*Beat together the cream cheese and sugar, then add the PB. After beaten well, beat in 3 to 3.5 cups of whipped cream. After smooth, spoon it into the bottom of the crust.
* Put the hot fudge in the microwave until soft. Pour hot fudge on top until the whole top is covered.
* On top of the fudge, spread some whipped cream on top of that. Then drizzle some more melted fudge and some melted peanut butter. Chill, enjoy!

Q is for QUIET

Life is busy. Life is crazy. Life is noisy. Ballgames, recitals, meetings, work, appointments. Days are busy. In the midst of busyness, occasionally we have some down time. Quiet time. This Easter weekend, in the midst of all the egg hunts, meals, time with family and friends.....make time for some quiet. Reflect on what He did for you, for me. I cannot even to begin to fathom His love for me. I don't understand why He died for someone like me, but I am thankful for His eternal gift of salvation. He's ALIVE!

P is for PRETZEL JELLO

If anyone were to ask me what my favorite dessert is...my answer would be the "pretzel jello stuff." Although, most people make it with the strawberry jello and strawberries, I decided to experiment one day and use raspberry jello and raspberries. To our surprise, we loved it sooooo much better. I will never it make it with strawberry jello and strawberries ever again! So, for those of you who have never had it...you are missing out. Give it try, you won't be sorry! The sweet and salty just go so well together. I will share the recipe....

RASPBERRY Pretzel Jello Dessert:

• 2 cups crushed pretzels
• 3/4 c. butter melted
• 3 tbsp. white sugar
• 1 (8oz) package of softened cream cheese
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 (8 oz) container of Cool Whip
• 2 packages (3 oz) RASPBERRY jello
• 2 cups boiling water
• 1 package of frozen RASPBERRIES 

1.  Preheat oven to 400 degrees F 
2.  Stir together crushed pretzels, melted butter and 3 tbsp of sugar. Mix well and press mixture into the bottom of a 9x13 baking dish.
3. Bake 8 to 10 minutes, until set. Set aside to cool.
4.  In a large mixing bowl cream together cream cheese and 1 cup sugar. Fold in whipped topping. Spread mixture onto cooled crust.
5.  Dissolve the jello in boiling water. Stir in the frozen RASPBERRIES. Pour over cream cheese layer and refrigerate until set. 

O is for ODOR

Some of my favorite odors:

THE SMELL OF A NEW BOOK
 A NEW BABY
A NEW PACKAGE OF LUVS DIAPERS
BROWNIES
MR. BUBBLE BUBBLEBATH
FRESH LAUNDRY OUT OF THE DRYER
RAIN
MOWED GRASS
A POOL FLOAT RIGHT OUT OF THE PACKAGE
APPLE PIE
CANDLES
CELERY
ROAST
MY MOM
NEW CAR
LEATHER
CEDAR CLOSETS/CHESTS
RUBBER GLOVES
THE OCEAN
ROSES
COUNTRY CHARM (STORE IN THE MALL)
FRESH BAKED BREAD
HERBAL ESSENCE SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER
MY KIDS AFTER A BATH
COFFEE
VANILLA
FINGERNAIL POLISH REMOVER
PERMANENT MARKERS
PLAY DOUGH
MY BED

****AND THE LIST COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON****

N is for NAILS

NAIL

noun

noun: nail; plural noun: nails

1.

a small metal spike with a broadened flat head, driven typically into wood with a hammer to join things together or to serve as a peg or hook.

When we moved into the house we are in now, there were nail holes everywhere. We patched some, but we also hung pictures, signs, etc in some of the same places. Tonight, as I think about this weekends activities for Easter, I also think about nails. Not the nails in my walls, but the nails that nailed my Savior to a tree. My sin put Him there. He loved me, He loved you so much that He would die for us. Those nails made a difference in my life. Those nails were the pathway for me and you to Heaven. BUT, those nails in his hand and feet....those nails did not keep Him on that tree. He rose three days later. Those nails hung my Savior. Those bloody nails represent love, hope, and Heaven. I hope and pray that this Easter, in the midst of all the food, egg hunts, and time with family and friends...you pause and reflect on why we even celebrate Easter. If you haven't already, I pray that you experience the same hope those nails have given me.

So God Made a MOTHER

And on the 8th day, God looked down on His planned paradise and said, "I need a caretaker." So God made a mother.

God said, "I need somebody willing to get up before dawn, pack lunches, make breakfast, wake the kids, send them off to school, feed the baby, mop the floors, squeeze in a 30 second shower, work all day at home or the office, make supper, bathe the kids, read them a story, put the kids to bed so they can do it all again tomorrow." So God made a mother.

"I need somebody to know when to use tough love but also know when to be tender and compassionate. Somebody to oversee homework, wipe crocodile tears, keep hungry bellies full, put her own needs on the back burner until everyone else is taken care of, and to tell the kids that they are loved---and mean it." So God made a mother.

God said, " I need somebody willing to sit up all night praying for the hurting heart of a child, and watch him cry, then dry his eyes and say, 'God is still good.' I need somebody who can shape a child with encouraging words, praise her husband in the midst of chaos, one who can whip up a dinner out of a box of Bisquick, wash dishes and clean house. Someone who will put in 48 hours by Tuesday morning, with a list a mile long to get done by Friday." So God made a mother.

God had to have somebody willing to multitask at double speed to get everything done by the end of the day, and yet stop in the middle of a task to read Curious George Visits the Zoo to the attention craving child. So God made a mother.

God said, "I need somebody strong enough to discipline and teach lessons yet gentle enough to shed tears when her heart aches, who will stop everything she is doing to tend to a sick child. It had to be somebody who'd raise a child and point that child to Christ. Somebody to encourage, build up, love unconditionally, forgive, and one who would pray without ceasing.

Somebody who'd hold a family together when the going gets tough, who would laugh and cry, and then reply with smiling eyes when her son says he wants to marry someone just like her. ......

SO GOD MADE A MOTHER

L is for LABEL

This past Christmas, I got a label maker as one of my gifts from my sister. I was so excited because I had wanted one for a very long time, just never got around to getting one. I LOVE it! You can ask my husband, I label everything.... from our names on our towel rack, sippy cups, DVD's, etc. I simply love that little machine. Tonight I was in the bathroom and happened to glance at our towel rack. Seeing our names on our towel rack got me thinking. We don't just label items in our home, work, car, etc. We label people.

I myself am guilty on judging and putting labels on people. You might have even experienced being labeled.

"Slut, Irresponsible, Liar, Depressed, Disabled, Horrible Parent, Rebel, Cheater, Addict, Failure, Immature, Selfish, Different, Lazy, Gay, Lesbian, Freak, Nerd, Prep, Hateful, Hot-Head,...."

What if I told you that in God's eyes, you only have one label. In His eyes, He sees His creation. In His eyes, He looks past our failures and bad choices. He died on the cross because of our label. In His eyes, we are simply L-O-V-E-D. That is all. The labels that you have gotten in the past are from sinners just like you. Those labels are from humans just like us. With God, those labels are erased and forgotten. In Him, you are loved. As Easter approaches, this takes on a whole new meaning. Because He loved us so much, He died for us. He endured the worst treatment you can imagine. He carried His cross. Why?? Because we are loved. 

I want to challenge you to do something. I want you to take a few minutes and think back on your life and I want you to write down labels that you have been given over the years. After you write them down, give them to God and exchange those worldly labels for His label. Once you have handed those labels over, rip that paper up, burn it, take a black marker to it....whatever works to show yourself that those labels are GONE! Live like you are loved. Love that you are loved. Point others to that same Love.

J is for JAMMIN'

A couple weeks ago, it was just me and my children in the car. Like many families all over the world right now, music from the movie Frozen plays continuously in the house and car. It was a sunny day but chilly, but it was warm enough in the car where I had the front windows down just a bit, and my kids and I were jammin' to "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?" and having lots of fun and giggles. We were coming up on a stoplight and the car next to me had their bass turned up all the way, and our minivan seemed to be vibrating all over the road and shaking. I had a choice right then and there. Do I roll my windows up and prevent a headache OR do I roll my windows down and turn my bass up and blare the "noman (Kagon's way of saying snowman) song?" I went with my second thought. So, I looked over and it was a couple. I smiled at them and they smiled back. I then rolled my windows down all the way, turned my bass up and being the introvert that I am (yeah right) began singing loudly..."Do You Wanna Build a Snowman??" The couple looks over and just busts up laughing and turns their music and bass down. In the meantime, my children were in back covering there ears, poor things. Sometimes, it is worth the risk just to "Let It Go" and have fun. You never know when someone needs some fun and laughter in their lives. You don't have to be serious and a stick in the mud all the time. You only live once. HAVE FUN! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbdqP5dEGz4

I is for INFERTILITY

Infertility -

1. Absent or diminished fertility.

2. The persistent inability to conceive a child.

(WARNING: Something I feel so passionate about and this post may offend)

We got married in August of 2007. We had the same type of plan that most people have before getting hitched. We would enjoy our engagement, then we would get married, then we would start a family, then we would live happily ever after. Shortly after we got married, we learned that our plan was really not happening like we thought it was. I guess I grew up thinking that you got married, then you did "the deed," then you get pregnant. Yeah, not so much. Month after month, year after year nothing was happening. We were devastated. We still have not given up, but right now we are so wonderfully in love with our two precious children that God blessed us with through adoption and focusing on them. If another adoption came up, you betcha we would pursue it! But, right now at this present moment we have two beautiful children sound asleep under our roof.

So what is this post about?? I want you to become more aware about infertility and how greatly it affects all kinds of women around you. It doesn't matter if you are skinny or have extra poundage, eat healthy or unhealthy, tall or short, etc. Infertility affects all types of women. Infertility hurts. Infertility has the potential to tear marriages apart. Infertility can make you feel worthless. Infertility is a dark cloud looming over many women all over the world.

Just being honest, I have a few questions for God when I get to Heaven. (of course when I get there it won't matter anymore because Heaven will be more than I ever could imagine) Why do you allow women that drink, smoke, do drugs, and sleep around to get pregnant? Why do you allow girls/women to get pregnant out of wedlock when a lot of women who "do things the right way" can't get pregnant? Why do you let the girls/women get pregnant who are just going to abort them anyway? The answers to these questions I will probably never know. But, you just gotta wonder....

A few things as I end this post....

1. If you have the wonderful PRIVILEGE of getting pregnant...don't EVER take it for granted
2. Children are a blessing and a lot of hard work. So if you aren't ready for that kind of commitment and responsibility...well...you know how it happens...so....
3. Reach out to those women who are struggling around you. Pray for them, take them under your wing, encourage them
4. Never assume that every woman can get pregnant, got pregnant, will get pregnant
5. If you are pregnant and don't think you are ready for the responsibility of being a parent at this time in your life, please explore your options. A baby is a life. There are many couples and single parents praying for a child. You could make their dream come true.
6. If you are pregnant...remember that there is another innocent life inside of you. Please don't smoke, partake of drugs, or drink. We have seen what that does to babies, and it is one of the hardest things we have ever had to watch.
7. If you have a child/children....love on them, discipline them when necessary, and thank God every single day for them

H is for HAPPY

I am tired tonight, so not much in a writing mood. Check out some photos that make me HAPPY....

G is for GOODNESS

I am kind of in a daze right now. My head is pounding, my nose is stuffy, my throat is scratchy, and I have a little boy who is coughing continuously in his crib losing sleep. This is week #2 of sickness in our home. I am tired, I am worn out, I am frustrated. I absolutely LOVE being a mommy. There is nothing greater. But, I am simply tired of wiping snotty noses, changing yucky anti-biotic poopy diapers, hearing my kids cough terrible coughs, etc. I am ready for all the sickness to leave. Am I whiny? Yes I am, unfortunately. Today I was reminded that there is always someone with worse problems than yourself. As I heard the story of a grandmother losing her twin grandbabies, I was reminded that I may feel miserable, but I am alive and facing another day. I was reminded that my kids may be hackin' and coughin', but they are alive and still bring this momma joy.

I then began to think about the many people in my life whether it be friends or family, that are going through tough seasons in life. Loss of job, loss of loved ones, Cancer, disease, prodigal child, divorce, etc. God brought this verse to me and I thought it was very fitting for this blog post....

Psalm 27:13

"Yet I am confident I will see the LORD's goodness while I am here in the land of the living."

Whatever you may be facing today, tomorrow, or next week....God isn't going to leave you in that dry valley. I promise. Time and time again, I can go back and revisit all those times that I was in the lowest of valley's and God led me to the highest of mountain tops. You learn and lean on God in those times in the valley's. You may not feel like God is good right now. You may feel defeated, bitter, doubtful, or simply just mad at God. Hang in there friend. I promise that you won't be in this valley forever. Soon, you will be able to look down at this valley from your mountaintop. You may be in your valley, but you WILL see the goodness of the Lord again. 

 

F is for FAVORITES

Earlier in this challenge, I was able to write a whole post about things that annoy and bother me. I figured since you all probably think I am this stuck up, snotty person who doesn't put up with squat....I should write a post about things that bring me great joy. I think my list for my favorite things could go on and on and on, but here are just some of the things that bring a smile to my face, whether big or small.

1. My husband
2. My children
3. Family
4. Seeing my phone light up with a text message
5. Getting an email from a long lost friend
6. Getting a handwritten letter in the mail from someone special
7. Animals
8. A home cooked meal
9. Perfecting Jello with no "rubber"
10. Perfecting rice crispy treats with just enough "marshmallowiness"
11. Hearing my children laugh their heartiest belly laugh
12. Keeping up with people on Facebook
13. A nice, hot bubble bath with Mr. Bubble, candles, and music
14. KLove radio station
15. Hearing the perfect song at the moment you need it most
16. Pretzel Jello dessert
17. Freshly washed flannel sheets
18. My down pillow
19. A good, loud, sneeze
20. A rainy day, cuddled with my kids watching a Disney movie
21. Seeing a rainbow
22. Tanning in a tanning bed
23. Grape bubble gum
24. Popping bubble wrap
25. A good hair day
26. The smell of a new book
27. Painted nails
28. Peace and quiet
29. Lines in the carpet after vacuuming 
30. The book of Psalms in the Bible
31. Getting birthday cards in the mail
32. A long, hot shower
33. The show...Parenthood
34. Getting unexpected checks in the mail
35. Primitive decor
36. Disney World
37. Sand between my toes
38. The smell of chlorine on a bathing suit
39. A freshly washed hoodie
40. Camping
41. Bonfires
42. The words cloud and fluff
43. A new outfit
44. A big hug
45. Dates with my hubby
46. Going somewhere by myself for a couple days to just relax and do whatever I want on my time :)
47. Paying off a debt
48. Carmex
49. Vacations

I am sure more will come to mind after I finish this post, but these are most of my obvious ones. Finding pleasure in the simplest things in life is a gift. I challenge you to write out your "favorites." So...what are they? Share some!

E is for ELEGANT

The past few days here in the Grinstead household have been everything but elegant. Our son has had a cold and double ear infection, borderline pneumonia. Our daughter has had a sinus infection, UTI, and a double ear infection. On top of that, mommy has had zero energy and not feeling 100% like herself. If you would have come to our door at any moment this week, you would come in to a house with unmade beds, dishes piled in the sink, toys everywhere, floors not vacuumed, a mom in her pj's still at 1:00 in the afternoon, two kids not dressed, and cartoons or movies playing continuously. I have wiped snot after snot after snot. I have changed several poopy diapers due to lovely antibiotics. I have watched my little girl in pain going potty. I have felt like a pharmacist, giving out meds after meds. I have looked in the mirror this week wondering where my energy and beauty is. I have broken up fights between our kids. I have put in DVD after DVD just for some moments of peace around here.

What is the definition of Elegance?

el·e·gance

noun

noun: elegance; plural noun: elegances

1.

the quality of being graceful and stylish in appearance or manner; style.

 

2.

the quality of being pleasingly ingenious and simple; neatness.

 

According to this definition, our household has not been up to par. However, I think this is the world's definition. I also believe this is something that we as moms or even dads put on ourselves. The myth that we have to use our best china, have perfect vacuum lines in the carpet, the toilets sparkling clean, each toy in its designated spot, beds made, supper on the table at 5:00 each night, our kids dressed in nothing but the best, and having time and energy to take your spouse in the bedroom for some hanky panky every single night for hours has put so much pressure on moms and dads to be perfect. Truth is....no mom, no dad, no wife, no husband is perfect. We have those days or even weeks when life is anything but elegant. Anything but "graceful and stylish." 

Tonight, as I was throwing away our paper plates from supper, and as I glanced over and saw my husband and my freshly bathed children cuddling on the couch watching 101 Dalmatians...I realized something. My life IS elegant. My life IS perfect. Our mouths are fed, there's a roof over our heads, we have clothes on our backs, our needs are met, my husband and I love each other, and our children are so loved. To me, that is as elegant and perfect as you can get. My children don't care that we had waffles for supper because it is quick and easy. My children don't care that there mommy is still in her pj's at 1:00 in the afternoon, without makeup on. My children don't care if the floors haven't been vacuumed in a few days. My children don't care if last night's dishes are still in the sink the next night. They do care about seeing mommy and daddy kiss. They do care about having time for them. They do care that their belly's are full. They do care that they feel loved. They do care about our home being full of love and not strife. So, in my eyes, this week has been everything BUT elegant and perfect. But, through my children's eyes, this weeks has been perfect. If only I could view life through the eyes of my children more often than I view life through the eyes of the world. I learned tonight that my life is perfect. I learned tonight that life sometimes gets messy (literally). Tonight I learned that my children just simply desire a mommy and a house full of love. Parents...those dishes, unmade beds, messy floors, dirty laundry, and nasty floors can wait. Those are the things that make like imperfect. Look around you....your life truly is elegant.

 

 

D is for Death

Death has always been very uncomfortable for me even since I was a little girl. As a Christian, I know that death shouldn't be uncomfortable and scary for me, but it is. When someone dies, I always have nightmares or my mind wanders and I feel like they are standing around my bed at night. I do not like funerals, viewings, hospitals, or funeral homes. My greatest fear in life is probably death. Please don't judge. I am a Christian, and I know that I will be Heaven bound when I die. I know this without a shadow of a doubt. But, for some reason, I can't shake my fear of death. As a mom, my fear is that I will die and leave my kids behind. As a daughter, I fear that I will have to bury my parents. As a wife, I fear that my husband will be taken and I will be left to be a single mom. As a granddaughter, I have lost a grandpa and both of my grandmas. We are never guaranteed tomorrow, and that leaves me uncomfortable.

Recently, I lost my grandma. She lived a long life but also suffered from Alzheimer's for several years. In the last two weeks of her life, we literally watched her life fade away. We saw her become more frail and skinny, we watched her slip into a coma, we watched her breathing change, we watched her coloring fade, and eventually watched her take her last breath. That was the first time that I actually witnessed the dying process with my very own eyes. As she got worse the last few days, we prayed and prayed that God would just take her home. It was a very unique feeling for me to pray that prayer. Death makes me scared and uncomfortable, but I was praying that God would take her.

I don't know if I will ever get over the fear of death and dying. I know that fear is not of God. I don't know how to get over this fear I have of death. In a way, I think being fearful of death is ok. Maybe it is supposed to be a wake up call to us. We aren't guaranteed another day, year, month, minute, second. We may be left a widow. We may be left as a single parent. We may be left an "orphan" after burying parents. We may be left as a parent without a child/children. As scary as death may be, I still have hope in the midst of that fear. I have the hope that I will see those loved ones again as long as they have invited Him into their hearts to live forever. As a mom, I want to see my kids again. As a wife, I long to see my husband again. As a daughter, I want to see my parents again. As a sister, I want to see my sister again. I don't think any of us want to die, but I do believe we all want to end up at the same destination.

If you desire that same hope that I have, I pray that you would seek God out and invite him into your life. God is our healer, comforter, great physician, lover, and our Savior. I pray that if you haven't done so before, that you would ask Christ to be your Lord and Savior. Death puts you in the ground. The One living in your heart determines your destination. If you have not asked Him into your life to be your eternal Lord and Savior, and you understand that you are a sinner and that He died for your sin and my sin and rose again, I ask that you sincerely pray this prayer to yourself wherever you may be....

“Dear Lord Jesus,

I know I am a sinner, and I ask for your forgiveness. I believe you died for my sins and rose from the dead.  I trust and follow you as my Lord and Savior. Guide my life and help me to do your will.

In your name, amen.”

If you prayed that prayer, and you meant it, that is your way into Heaven when God takes you from the earth at your time. Yes, death may still be scary and uncomfortable, but in the midst of that fear and anxiety, you can have the very same hope I do. 

If you prayed that prayer, would you mind sending me an email? My email address is tugradhc@yahoo.com

I won't embarrass you, I simply want to pray for you as you start your new journey as a Christian. 

Philippians 1:6

 "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

C is for CHURCH: If You Build It, They Will Come

A few weeks ago, I took a survey on Facebook asking what people look for in a church and what they think is important in a church. I had my own answer in my mind, but I didn't post it because I wanted to see if anybody else had the same answer. To my surprise, nobody did. Here are some responses I got...

 "From our experience growing up, kids from a broken home need just as much acceptance as anyone! 

 Sometimes the kids get the bad end of the deal when they need love and acceptance more than ever."

 "More grace and real love. Less judgement and religion."

 " Love, compassion, and feeling welcomed. Oh and some church's have way too many clicks. It feels like you are in school again."

 " Seminars on grief, stop smoking, healthy eating, how to be a care giver, more love and compassion."

  "I look for a church family I want to feel like I am cared for and loved."

  "I like a smaller church where the pastor connects with all of the people of the church not just a few. There is also more freedom to truly worship God, not so tied to a program."

 "Passion! We look for people that love Jesus!"

For the past year or so, I have really been thinking about what I think is important in a church. We attended a church for over a year when we lived in Indy, and the focus every Sunday was bring someone new, invite your neighbor, invite your coworker, we need to grow, grow, grow, grow. We want to fill every seat in all services, we need to increase our attendance so our money resources can grow as well. This church was already thousands (approx. 1,000+ every service). We attended, we got involved, but in that whole year and a half that we attended there, the pastor never knew us. He was an awesome preacher, but we were simply just a number. We were just people that came and listened to his message and left. Am I saying that growth in the church is bad? Absolutely not. Am I saying that it is the pastor's job to come hunt you down and meet you and learn more about you? Absolutely not. What I am saying is....make an effort. I wrote emails, and made phone calls. Never once were they returned. After a while we both began to get discouraged and upset. I then began thinking....if we had an awful crisis, who would we call? (besides family) Our pastor didn't even know us, so we wouldn't be able to call him. It left me almost in a state of panic. If we had a tragedy in our lives during that time, I honestly didn't know who we would call. I am not saying that it is the pastor's job to visit everyone that is in the hospital, or go to everyone's home that needs prayer, or go comfort everyone who has had a tragedy come up in their lives? No, but I think that there should be a person (or persons for larger congregations) that are put in that place to serve the people of the church.

That leads me to my opinion of what a church should be. I believe that a church should take care of its people. The church is not a building. The church is made up of believers that love God and love each other, that want to be unified to serve God together. If the church is the people, then the church needs to be cared for, loved on, and prayed for. Is it the pastor's job to take care of everybody? NO! The pastor has many responsibilities already, and the pastor does many many many things behind the scenes that most don't even know about. But, why not appoint someone to be in charge of congregational care? One, it will take a lot of stress off of the pastor and two, if that person has such a passion for taking care of the congregation, then God will use them in such amazing ways in the lives of the church. 

My parents recently went through the loss of my grandma. They were the caregivers for my grandma (who suffered from Alzheimer's) for eight years. The last two weeks of her life, I watched as my parents sat by her bed hour after hour, day after day, waiting to watch her last breath. In those weeks, they were alone in all this. No phone calls, no meals, no cards of encouragement, nobody to come and pray with them. Sure, God is always with us and God always hears our earnest cries, but where was the church??? I have heard story after story from others about tragedy striking their lives, but nobody walking beside them. WHERE IN THE WORLD IS THE CHURCH???? When tragedy and heartbreak come, who is going to step up and walk beside those people? When a new baby is born, who will take them meals? When someone is having surgery, who will go pray with them before the doctor takes them back? The Pastor?? No. We as a church need to step up, and walk beside the hurting and the needy. If you don't have someone designated to the congregational care, why don't you pray about stepping up to that leadership role? We as Christians need each other. Pastors, growth is good, but when your sheep start slipping through the cracks, it is time to re-evaluate and make some changes. Make efforts to know, love, and learn about your sheep.

Think about and pray about if God would have you be that leader in your church. What does that look like? Maybe it will be calling/texting people to provide meals for a family who just had a baby. Maybe it is going and praying with that one who is going in for surgery. Maybe it is going and sitting with a caregiver and just be there for company. Maybe it is organizing something special for your Pastor for Pastor appreciation month. Maybe it is organizing a couples retreat for the couples in your church. Maybe it is just simply to pray for the people. Think about it. Pray about it. Then step up and take care of your fellow believers.

What do I want and look for in a church? .....people that love God and love each other. God calls us to love as He has loved. I want to know that if I had a life changing event in my life, I know who I would call. Let's take care of one another!

Church: If you build it....they will come.

B is for Bothersomes

Each and every one of us have things that bother us, annoy us, tick us off, etc. Sometimes we can't explain why those things bother us, because sometimes they are just down right silly. But, we all have them my husband says my list of "bothersomes" is longer than the normal person. :) So here it goes.....my "bothersomes."

1. Hearing people chew
2. Hearing people crunch ice (but, I am an ice cruncher and it doesn't bother me to hear myself chew :))
3. When people crunch water bottles. It sends some kind of angry current through my body. LOL
4. Puke ( I have a phobia of throwing up, people throwing up around me, the sound of it, etc)
5. Cereal. (my hubby can vouch for this one) There is something about cereal. Something about the clanging spoon on the bowl, or the disgusting soggy look of the cereal sitting in milk, or the smell. Oh, and when people drink the milk from the cereal, I nearly throw up. 
6. Scraping on a chalkboard or hearing silverware scratch up against a stainless steel sink.
7. When people cuss 
8. Loud bass in cars
9. When people talk on their cell phones in the checkout line when it is their turn. It's rude.
10. When moms judge other moms or criticize each other. We are supposed to be in this thing called life together!!!
11. Selfies. If you are over the age of 12....selfies are not acceptable. :)
12. When people smoke in the car with children.
13. The smell of peanut butter.
14. Talking on the phone. I would much rather text. :)
15. Auto Correct
16. When my husband takes everything out of boxes. 

I am sure my list could go on and on and on, but you are probably already reading this thinking about what an awful and snotty person I am. I promise I am not. If you happen to do any of these things around me, I will forgive you. What are your bothersomes? I guarantee if you start making a list of yours, your list will be long as well. So, what ARE your bothersomes???? Would love to hear.

A is for ADOPTION

Today, on the first day of the A to Z challenge, the letter is A. I couldn't think of a better topic for the letter A than a topic that we are so passionate about. Over the past couple years, we have hear all sorts of questions and comments. Ones like.....

"Why didn't you have your own kids?"

or

"Those kids of yours are so blessed!"

or

"How much did they cost?"

or 

"You know, after you adopt, you are gonna get pregnant."

or 

"What happened to their real mom?"

or

"Are you worried what kind of problems they are gonna have as they grow up?"

or

"At least you didn't have to go through hours of pushing and being uncomfortable for 9 months. All you had to do was pick them up!"

or how about

"I don't get how anyone could just give up a baby."

People do mean well, I will give them that. However, these are things that a lot if not all adoptive parents cringe at hearing. So, let me just clear them up real quick....

1. Why didn't we have our own kids?? Adoption has been something that we always talked about doing in our lives. It was never a "plan B" for us. Plus, our kids ARE OUR OWN!!!

2. Our kids are so blessed!.....WE are the ones who are so blessed. God picked me and Will to parent these babies. There are so many days where I look at their cute little faces and wonder what I ever did to deserve them. A lot of days I feel unworthy to be a mommy. But, God chose us and for that, I am so very thankful. Lina'e and Kagon teach us to love life. Therefore, we are the blessed ones.

3. How much did our kids cost? You cannot put a price on a child and the blessings that they bring into your lives. End of story. 

4. You are gonna get pregnant after we adopt!....Um....still waiting on that. Some days, I ache to carry a child in my womb. To experience a baby's first kick or their hiccups or to hear their heartbeat. So no, that isn't how it works. 

5. What happened to their real mom? Am I invisible? Can you not see me? I am their real mom. Yes, I know what you mean when you ask that, but maybe use better words.

6. Are we worried what kind of problems they will have as they grow up? I don't know, are you worried about the problems your children will have as they grow up? As a parent, the future of your child is always unknown. Yes, my children went through some rough things in the womb but when we started praying for children, we vowed to love every single part of them, their best and their worst, their accomplishments and their struggles. So no, we are not worried.  

7. At least you didn't go through hard labor and pushing and being uncomfortable for 9 months. All you had to do was pick them up!....No, I didn't carry them for 9 months. And no, I didn't go through hard labor for hours. BUT, we waited years to have children. We prayed prayer after prayer that God would bring children into our lives. We went through homestudy's, fingerprinting, background checks, and court hearings. Little do you know, that comment is so hurtful. And yes, we did pick them up. But we experienced watching a birth mother cry as she handed her child over. We watched our son go through weeks of withdrawals, crying an uncontrollable cry that you cannot do anything about. We had to learn the ins and outs of a heart monitor and oxygen for our little girl. So yes, we picked them up. But we didn't JUST pick them up.

8. I don't know how anybody could just give up a baby.....My babies were not given up. Their birth mothers acknowledged that they could not provide the life that they thought their baby deserved, so they allowed someone else to step in and love those babies and promise them the best life possible. The decisions that our birth mothers made were simply selfless. We have our differences, but we will always be grateful for them and the blessings they put in our life.


So there ya have it. The life of Adoption. What a roller coaster of a journey, but the end of that journey is worth it. We are so blessed beyond measure!

Sex, Drugs, and Rockin' a Baby......

When you are called to adopt, you step out on faith and trust God that He will bring the right child to you, to your family. When you adopt an infant, it is completely out of your control to take care of that little baby inside another woman's tummy. There is no way to control what she drinks, what she eats, where she goes, who she sleeps with, or how she takes care of herself during the pregnancy. You simply have to sit back and wait and pray for that little life growing inside her womb. Sometimes when you adopt, you find out very late in to the pregnancy and you have no idea what the last 9 months of pregnancy were like for the tummy mom and you have no idea what she ate, drank, swallowed, etc. That is how our journey to Kagon was. We got a call from our attorney's office about two weeks before Christmas in 2011. They told us there was a birthmom who would like to place her child for adoption and she wanted to meet us. January 3rd, 2012 we had dinner with her and her family, and 3 days later we got ultrasound pictures, and on January 12th he was born. It all was so very exciting but moved extremely fast.

I remember that day clearly. I got to be in the delivery room and I even got to cut the cord. What an amazing experience it was to watch our little 5 pound baby boy enter the world. We knew that there might be some issues with drug exposure, but we weren't really expecting what the bigger picture would look like. We spent 3.5 weeks in the NICU watching him go through withdraws. That was enough to make anyone cry. To hold him while he cried and cried, knowing there was absolutely nothing you could do for him. No milk, cuddles, skin to skin, or songs could ease the pain he was going through. However, we loved him. He was ours. He was our son. Even to this day, there are times when he gets so out of control and it takes my mind back to those long days and nights rocking him in the NICU. The many emotions that I felt as I watched him grab his face as if ten million bugs were crawling on his skin. Thoughts like "How could one be so selfish to misuse prescription drugs?" "Didn't she know the baby inside her would be the one who would suffer?" But then my mind would always come back to the little baby in my arms that made me a mommy once again. Yes, my baby suffered/suffers because of some choices tummy mommy made, BUT she did trust us enough to hand over this precious life to us to raise, to love, to take care of. That selfless, courageous decision outweighs the bad by a lot.

Today was one of those days that my mind started having those nasty thoughts as I watched my two year old son act in a way that I just couldn't control. My mind instantly goes back to those NICU moments as I watched his body go through withdraws and knowing in my heart and mind that there was nothing I could do. Tonight, as I watched my son have one of his fits, my heart hurt. My heart hurt because I know that when he gets so worked up and has one of these fits, there is nothing that I can pull out of my mommy hat to make it better. Even though I knew that in my heart, I am human and I got upset. I got worked up too. I took him down stairs and put him in time out. As I watched him cry and sob, I began to tear up. Yes, part of it is the toddler stage, but part of it is some long term effects he has to deal with. I got him out of time out, had a talk with him and I dimmed the lights, got his blankie and mickey mouse, and turned on his lullaby CD. We both sat in the recliner and I started rocking him.

I took his chubby little hand in mine and looked into those big, dark, brown eyes and tears began to fill my eyes. It was in that moment that I remembered how far he has come. It was in that moment I remembered that this is the son that God gave me and that God must of thought I was cut out for this job. It was in that moment that I remembered that all I ever wanted to be was a mom and my dream came true. It was in that moment that I realized that me and him, once again, survived another day. As a mom, I believe that that is all God requires us to do. I believe He requires us to love our children, point them to Him through our words and actions throughout the day, and at the end of the day ask God if He will give you another chance to parent your child/children tomorrow. God gives a brand new serving of Grace, patience, love, humility, and endurance for each new day. I am so very thankful for that. We survived a rough day. Tomorrow (Lord willing), I will go to his crib and I will be met with a cute little "Hi, mommy!" and a big hug from a cute little brown eyed little boy with puppy pajamas on. He will more than likely not remember how mommy got frustrated and he will love me unconditionally and will give me another chance to be his mommy. The day will start over, and memories with my kids will be made.

As parents, our days aren't always easy. Some days come with many trials and difficulties, and some days come with great joy and fun. Each day, no matter what it bring, is another day from God. It is a new day to experience new things, make new memories, and love more. Children are such a gift. We should never take our children for granted. They are only loaned to us for so long, we need to make the most of it. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for the difficult days because I know that God knew I could handle it. So as you kiss your children goodnight, or as you are rocking your little ones to sleep.......take a deep breath because you survived another day. Tomorrow is a new day, new start, new chance.