This past weekend, my husband and I had the pleasure of taking our little girl to see Disney on Ice in downtown Indianapolis. This was our very first time introducing her to the magic of anything Disney. (well, besides her Tiana and Ariel barbies) This was her first time to experience the wonder, magic, and awe that you get to experience when any Disney character is right in front of you. Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Tinkerbell, Ariel, and Mater were just a few that her little blue eyes got to see. She was sitting on my husband's lap. I planned it that way. I wanted to capture into a photograph, her cute little face in complete awe of this magical show taking place right before her eyes. As a voice came over the speakers, telling us the show was about to start, I got out our camera and was ready to take pictures of her taking it all in. It didn't go as planned. When the lights went out, and the spotlight went to the curtain, out came Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse in a cute little red car, and they drove around on the ice talking and waving to all the children. See, I wanted so badly to get some pictures right at the moment, but instead my heart melted. I wish I could explain her looks, expressions, and excitement at that moment. Her excitement and wonder didn't stop there. The whole night her face was just so precious watching all the characters skate around on the ice and in her little eyes, it was all magic. In her eyes, Tinkerbell could do absolutely anything. My eyes were filled with happy tears throughout the night just watching my daughter fall in love with something so magical and fun. Instead of snapping pictures right away, I had to just sit and watch her take it all in, and watch each Disney character with that twinkle in her eyes.
Without going into detail, yesterday, Will and I "got the wind knocked out of our sail" financially. Something we were not expecting, hit us like a ton of bricks. So, today I have really felt just simply "blah." I put the kids to bed for nap time and I sat down with my computer and turned on the song "Your Presence is Heaven to Me" with Israel Houghton singing it. It is a song that we sing often in church, and it is my personal song I go to when I need a pick me up and a reminder that God is with me in every situation in life. I then looked through the pictures of the Disney on Ice on my facebook page. There are some cute pictures that captured my cutie's awe and wonder. I then got to thinking. What if I had that same wonder, awe, and mindset that Lina'e had that night. The mindset that Tinkerbell could do absolutely ANYTHING with her fairy dust (aka:glitter). What if I had the mindset that my God could do ANYTHING if I just had the same faith of my child. What if I had that same child-like faith to believe that my God is going to supply all our needs. Time and time and time again, He has proved Himself faithful to me, to us. Why am I having such a hard time right now believing that God is going to provide for us financially? If I can believe with enough faith that God is going to answer my small prayers such as giving me energy for the day, or Kagon eating his meal without a fit, or allowing me to get laundry done, then why can't I have enough faith that God is going to take care of us during this time? Last summer, we moved to a place where we pay a ridiculous amount in rent each month (cheapest around here ), and we had to live on Will's financial aid money from May until September. ($3500). We made it through. I have absolutely no idea how we made it (although it was a very long summer), but we did. God provided over and over and over again. So why when I know He has brought us through one of our toughest financial spots yet, why can't I trust Him this time. Maybe it's because I am human. Maybe it is because I want to try to fix it by myself. Maybe it is because I truly lack the faith that I need to overcome this hurdle. Yeah, we are in a rough spot right now but I know that He will see us through. I am going to start having fairy dust faith, the type of faith that I can believe anything can happen with the God I serve. Little did Lina'e know it, she taught her mommy a very important lesson. She taught me to see things through the eyes of a child. If Lina'e can believe that there really is a mermaid that lives under the sea with a talking fish and a talking crab, and if she can believe that there is a little fairy that flies around sprinkling fairy dust everywhere, then certainly I can believe that God is going to take us out of this valley and take us to our mountaintop soon.
Where do I even begin?? I guess I will take you back to last weekend when in the car with just my husband, I asked him..."Do you think Kagon loves me?" Will was so quick to answer "of course he loves you!" I didn't really believe him. The past couple weeks have really been a struggle for me as a mom. With Lina'e, it was and is so easy to relate to her. I know how to play house with baby dolls and I know how to love pink and I know how to cook pretend food at a pretend kitchen. I know how to do all those things. But, little guy loves trucks, race cars, dinosaurs, and anything that is loud and noisy. I don't know how to play with trucks or race cars. All I know to do with those is to run them all over the floor and say, "vroom, vroom." So, as a mom I feel as if I don't know how to be a mom to Kagon. I don't know how to connect with him. I never had a brother, and wasn't really around boys all that often growing up. The last few weeks have been kinda rough. Many days have ended with tears from me and Kagon, praying that God would allow the next day to be better and to forgive me for those moments that I became a little less patient with him.
Some days are REALLY good, and some days aren't so good. Some days I go to bed feeling like the worst mom in the world, and some days I go to bed feeling like a pretty darn good mom. Being a mom to Lina'e comes so easy for me. Being a mom to Kagon is something I am learning to do. I love Kagon with my whole being, but he is a boy and I need to learn how to relate to him and how to love him for being all boy. I need to learn how to use my imagination with dinosaurs, trucks, cars, dirt, and boogers. Some days I feel like Kagon doesn't love me. As a 1 year old little boy, I don't even know if he understands the word love. But, I know he can feel what love means. I want him to be able to feel MY love.
One night last week I was busy doing something around the house and walked down the hall and happened to glance back into Kagon's room, and there I saw my husband sitting in the rocking chair with a sweet little boy cuddled up on his chest asleep. In that one quick moment, I was jealous and heartbroken. I hurried into the kitchen and wiped away a tear or two and tried to regain my composure. I began questioning myself. "Why don't I get to have moments like that with him?" My days seem to be filled with "No, no Kagon" or "Kagon, don't open the cabinets" or "Kagon, don't go back there." So at the end of the day, I am so exhausted. Some days I feel like all I have said is NO.
I want my kids to grow up knowing they were loved all the time, not just some of the time. There has never been a moment that I haven't loved both my kids. There have been times when I want to just go hide in our room and lock the door (ok, so I have done that) but there has never been a time where I don't love my kids. These children are what I prayed for. This dark eyed little boy is who I prayed for. When I prayed for a child, I didn't ask for specifics. I simply just wanted children. God picked me to be Kagon's mommy. He must have thought I could handle it. With God's presence and help, I can handle being a mom to Kagon. I can handle bugs, farts, boogers, dirt, and trucks. I prayed with my whole heart for this child. Some days are going to be rough. Some days we are going to float on cloud nine. When I think about it, my heart becomes so overwhelmed.....Out of all the women in this world, God chose ME to be Kagon's mom. God chose ME to be Lina'es mom.
I have learned some things since that night I saw my husband and son cuddled up in the rocking chair together. I have learned that I don't have those moments with Kagon often because I don't make the time. I learned that I don't know what to do with trucks and cars because I don't try. I have learned that all boys are pretty much the same, and I have to love Kagon for being a boy. I have learned that my son needs my love more than ever. And, I have learned that I need more time with my boy. So, from here on out, I am going to start using my imagination with cars, trucks, and dinosaurs. From here on out, I am going to TRY to not let things stress me out as much. And from here on out, I will rock my little boy to sleep, take all the cuddles I can get, wipe the never ending snot with a smile, and smell all the boy smells. For in the blink of an eye, he will be a grown man discovering how to be a dad to his own children. I don't want him to remember his mommy for her short temper, keeping the house immaculate every day, or making sure he didn't get into the pots and pans. I want him to remember me for being patient and loving, putting him before the housework, and letting him be his own band with all the pots and pans his little heart desired. I want to be a mom who is always remembered for loving unconditionally, floors covered with toys, and for pointing my children to Christ.
I have been brewing over this blog post for several months now, debating whether I should write it or not, worried that I might step on toes, etc. However, I reached my decision the other day when I overheard 2 moms discussing their differences in parenting. You could tell that they both were trying to get the "badge" for being the better mom. I sat there listening as I thought of SEVERAL times I have had discussions with other moms or posts on Facebook I have seen or even posts I have written on Facebook. It was at that time, that there are all these women on this earth battling it out for the title of "BEST MOM."
There are all kinds of moms out there.... Moms that give their child sugar before they are 1, moms who don't give a rip about feeding their kids everything organic, moms that feed their child everything organic, moms who just breastfeed until their child is 1, moms that don't offer juice, moms that give juice, moms who are germaphobe's, mom's who don't mind if their child eats off the table at a restaurant, moms who cloth diaper, moms who use disposable diapers, moms who breastfeed starting at birth, moms who formula feed at birth, moms who use chemical free cleaners, moms who use the regular cleaners, moms who spank, moms who think their children are angels and never discipline, moms who use time-out, moms who sign with their children, moms who use words with their children, moms who do everything for their children, moms who make their children help around the house, moms who work, moms who stay at home, moms who are rich, and moms who live paycheck to paycheck, moms who spoil their kids, moms who make their children work for what they have, moms who are patient, moms who have little patience, moms that have adopted, moms that have carried their babies, and the list goes on and on and on.
Time and time again I ask myself why I compare myself to other moms? I have 2 great kids that I am so happy and thankful that God chose me to be their mom. If God chose me to be Lina'e and Kagon's mom, why do I need to be comparing myself to "Sue" and "Sally?" Sue and Sally were not made to be Lina'e and Kagon's mom, I was. So if that is true, why do we moms constantly compare ourselves to other moms and why do we try to constantly make ourselves look/sound like the best mom in the whole world? If we use disposable diapers, why do we make that mom who cloth diapers feel like they are ridiculous for doing it? If you breastfeed, why do you make the moms that formula feed feel like they are holding back something great from their poor little formula fed baby? Or why do those of you that feed your child only organic stuff make the parents that don't care about that stuff feel like they are killing their children with all this processed stuff? And why do those moms who are stay at home moms make those moms who work feel like they are depriving their children of a good life? I don't have a good answer to any of those questions. I myself have done it several times, and I have had it done to me numerous times. I am sure I have hurt others by my words and conversations, and I for sure knows how it feels to be on the receiving side of it.
We ladies are human. We have a sense of pride for our children and our role as a mother. Do we like to intentionally hurt people or brag about what a good mom we are?? Yeah, sometimes. (If you answered no, then you are lying) Does it make God happy when we continually brag about all we do as a mom, and when we continuously hurt other moms? Absolutely not. What happened to loving each other like God loves us? Loving each other no matter if we cloth diaper or use disposables, give our children juice or water, spank or use time out? Being a mom is such a rewarding job, but it has its bad days too. You know those days when your children won't listen to you, or you feel like you haven't been out of the house for days, or those days when you crave adult interaction?? Yeah, we all know we have had those bad days as a mom. So, how about we act our age and become mature women who encourage other moms, love each other unconditionally, and build each other up instead of constantly rubbing in each other's faces that we are the best mom. Because, the reality of it is.......the only world that you are the BEST mom in, is the world of your child's. You are the BEST mom for them, not Sue or Sally's children. God designed you for YOUR children, and YOUR children only. So, let's take care of our own children how we want, and keep our noses out of Sue and Sally's parenting business, and lift each other up. Give yourself a pat on the back, and a ribbon of honor for being the mom God created you to be to your children. That is all that is required of you. Love yourself, love your kids, and love your fellow moms.
2012 started as a very scary year, but God had a special blessing in store to lift our spirits. You see, at the beginning of 2012 we were facing the trial of our little girl Lina'e. We were scared that this was going to be the year that we would lose Lina'e back to her birth family. However, in the midst of that fear, on January 3, 2012, Will and I went to Johnny Carino's with our attorney to meet a birthmom. We talked, ate, laughed, shared pics, etc. and left having a feeling of success. Just two short weeks later, I called into work because Lina'e had been up all night coughing and being miserable. I was laying in bed, and around 10:00 AM, I got a call from the birthmom's mom telling me that Will and I should get to the hospital because it wouldn't be much longer before our little guy would make his entrance into this world. My heart started racing (excitement, fear, etc) and I hurried upstairs to get Lina'e and I hurried and packed a diaper bag as well as I could with everything on my mind at that time. I called Will (he was at work) and told him what was happening and that I would be at his work in about 10 minutes. I picked him up and we headed straight to the hospital. We took the elevator up to the delivery floor and there I was greeted by birthmoms mom. Will stayed with Lina'e in the waiting room and she took me back to birthmoms room. I was nervous and excited and scared. Nervous that it would be awkward in the room with her and her family, excited to meet our new baby boy, and scared that we would meet precious Kagon and birthmom change her mind. Birthmom was so generous and kind to allow me to be in the room when he was born. The time came for her to push. She literally pushed not even one full push, and out he came. The doctor asked, "Who is cutting the cord?" and birthmom said...."His mom is." and look over at me. It was at that moment, I knew this was a done deal. It was in that moment I knew that this little 5 pound baby was ours forever. Due to some reliance of pain pills from the womb, Kagon had to stay in the NICU for 3 weeks. Those were the LONGEST 3 weeks of my life. We just wanted to take him home and we were always so torn being at the hospital and not being with Lina'e and vice versa. I remember going to the hospital for hours on end late in the evenings to early mornings and my late night chats with the NICU nurses. I remember the day we got to take him home, and it was such a fun day! He adjusted so well, and Lina'e loved watching him and trying to figure out this new "thing" in her world.
While we enjoyed our days as a family of 4, we had this black cloud of losing our daughter hanging over our heads daily. How were we supposed to enjoy life and enjoy things as a family, when the possibility of Lina'e getting sent back with her crazy birthfamily was looming over us? Prayer! Lots and Lots of prayer. There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed, and there were days when I didn't want to put Lina'e to bed because in my head, I wanted some special times to treasure in case these were my last days with her. I remember people saying to me and Will time and time again, "You have to trust God." Yeah, in my head I know that, but in my heart, I am scared. Scared of losing my princess. Scared of reliving the day when we lost Eli. It is so easy to trust God when we are on our mountaintop. However, when we are down in our lowest valley, God seems so far. I knew in my head that God already knew the outcome, but my heart was busy storing up memories with my precious daughter in case our time with her was coming to an end. Through the next 5 months, prayer was a big part of our lives and other peoples lives. People all over the USA were praying for our situation and for Lina'e to stay where she belonged. At times, I felt like God must have been so sick of hearing the same thing from me. And, at times, I felt like I couldn't pray at all. I was tired of praying. I was tired of praying and my prayers not getting answered. It was in those times, I was so thankful for people praying me through and for God already knowing what was on my heart even when I couldn't speak.
To make a long story short, our trial date was set for June 12th I believe. Two weeks before the trial, everything was dropped! We were able to work out some things with Lina'es birthmom and we didn't end up having to go to trial. I remember that night so vividly. Will and I got in our car and we hugged for a very long time and cried and cried and cried. We prayed with each other and thanked God for this HUGE weight off our shoulders. He had answered our prayers, in His timing, not ours! So, after that, we felt like we could truly start living again. Living as a family of 4 forever.
The summer of 2012 consisted of moving to Indianapolis, days at the pool, day trips, a vacation to New York, Will's birthday, my birthday, my sisters birthday, and the birth of my niece. It was a great summer. A summer of relaxation. Then in the fall we had my dad's birthday, Halloween (Kagon was a penguin and Lina'e was a ladybug), Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and our year literally ended with a great trip out to Maryland to see my sister, her husband, and little Adriana.
While we were in Maryland, we went to church with my sister and her husband. The pastor was talking about the year coming to a close and remember the things of the year that left you speechless. Speechless in a way, that words just couldn't explain. You know those things that happen that a "thank you" to God just doesn't even come close to how grateful you feel? Even in the midst of our "sour times" in 2012, we had a few "sweets." We had a couple of those moments when your heart is so overwhelmed with thankfulness, that you can't even find the words to thank the Lord with. There were many times after Lina'es trial was dropped that I just cried to God. Except these tears were tears of pure happiness.
My sours of 2012 are FAR outweighed by the sweets. I can't put into words how grateful we are to have Lina'e forever. I couldn't even imagine a day without her. I remember laying in bed (before everything was dropped) and thinking about what kind of things we would have to face and do without her if we lost her. Looking back, my faith was lacking. My faith was simply non-existent. My joy, my hope in God, my zest for life....gone. But, it is in those times that God does some incredible things. He uses your weakest times to boost your faith and trust in Him. When I was ready to throw in the towel, and give up on God, He came and He made Himself known. In my eyes, He performed a miracle.
As I look back on 2012, there are a few things that I learned. #1...I learned to enjoy life with your loved ones because they may be gone the next day. #2....I learned that God does things in HIS timing, not ours. #3...I learned that God chose me and Will to be parents of 2 special children through the awesomeness of adoption. #4......I learned that there will be times in life when you will break, and even though you have been a Christian for years and years, you may feel like jumping off the bandwagon.
I also learned that God is faithful to His children and He gives His children the desires of their heart. Yes, I already knew that in my head, but my heart had to experience it. The desire of my heart for 2012 was to be able to keep Lina'e forever. I didn't want to take her back to that family. I didn't want to drive off with an empty carseat and an empty space in my heart. The one thing I forgot in all that though, is that God knew all that. God knew my heavy heart. So in those times of non-existent faith and trust, He knew my heart. In those times when I couldn't pray, He knew my heart. In those times when I felt like running away from life, He knew my heart. And, because He knew my heart, He gave me the desires of my heart. He just answered in His timing, and not mine. 2012 brought us scary times, but it also brought us our sweet Kagon who truly loves life and loves his sissy. He is always smiling, and loves cuddles. God knew we needed Kagon at the beginning of 2012. Kagon was our ray of sunshine through our sours. But, in the end, our year ended sweet. Lina'e and Kagon, I pray that some day you will truly know how much you were wanted and prayed for. You both are our world. I pray that one day you will find true happiness in the One that turned this momma's heavy heart into a heart overflowing with thankfulness.
