God Designed Siblings

This past week, I had my first dentist appointment in about 5 years. Since moving to Indy, I didn't have a dentist, so my search began. I feel like God led me to the dentist office I went to for a reason. My dental hygienist took time to get to know me, and me and her talked like we had known each other for years. Our stories were similar...trouble getting pregnant, she and her husband thinking about adoption, wanting children so bad, etc. I hate going to the dentist, but like I blogged about earlier...God cares about the little things too. God put this lady in my path for a reason, even if it were just to calm my nerves about the whole dentist thing and finding out I have 9 stinkin' cavities. :) One question she asked me has really made me think since leaving that dentist office that day. She asked me about my kids and asked if they were siblings by birth. I told her no, but then really began thinking about it. My kids are not siblings by birth, but my kids are siblings because of God's design and plan. Out of all the children in the world, God hand-picked Lina'e and Kagon to be brother and sister in our family. Let that sink in...it is a pretty cool thought.

When we adopted Lina'e, I remember praying that God would give us a sibling for her at the right time. Little did we know, a year later we would welcome a precious little 5 lb baby boy into our family through adoption once again. I remember the day I got the call that Kagon's birthmom was in labor. I got to the hospital as fast as I could. She allowed me in the room and I got to watch Kagon enter this world and I was able to cut the cord. I remember wrapping him in one of those ugly hospital blankets that every hospital seems to have, and lifting him in my arms and walking him to the nursery for his vitals and first bath. There, we were greeted by Will, my mom, and Lina'e. I remember Lina'es face when she first saw Kagon. It was like she was thinking..."what in the world is this thing crying and making all this noise? And why are mommy and daddy loving on this thing??" Shortly after, we got a hospital room and Lina'e became very intrigued with him. It was then that I knew that they would be best buds.

My days normally involve the normal "sibling arguments" even at ages 2 and 1, but my days also involve hearing things like..."tea party, Kagon!" and "Come on Kagon, let's slide!" and the silence of knowing that they both are into something they aren't supposed to be in, and the sound of hugs and kisses, and the sound of toddler laughter that just melts your heart over and over again. The way that Kagon looks at his sister and admires her, makes me proud. The way Lina'e worries about Kagon when he cries, just makes me smile. When I watch them play, or when I look back in my rear-view mirror and see 2 little faces smiling and laughing at each other, I thank God for them. God knew that these 2 children would be my world. God knew these 2 children would be my life calling. I don't think I could have created a more perfect match for siblings than these little angels. People often say how blessed these children are to have me as a mom and how much that they needed someone like me. Little do they know, I am the blessed one and little do they know, I needed them. If I could pick a theme quote for their lives it would probably be this..."Siblings by adoption, friends by choice." As a mom to these precious little lives, I look forward to seeing them grow up together as not just siblings but friends. I hope and pray that I am able to live to see them grow up and accomplish big things in this world. However, if it is in God's plan to take me home sooner, I pray that they will always remember how blessed I was to have them as children. I pray that they will always remember to love each other and to always be there for each other. I pray that when they have those days when things seem like they will never work out, they remember how God took two precious babies from two different birthmoms and placed them as siblings in this momma's arms. God takes two different chapters, intertwines them, and it becomes a story. Lina'e and Kagon each have their own story, but by God and His glorious plan, they both became a chapter in my book. They are my story. They are my world.

A Tribute To My Mother....

As Mother's Day is just a day away, I am reminded and oh so thankful for the mother that God blessed me and my sister with. When I think of my mom, many things come to mind. I think of different memories, ways she has sacrificed over the years, her hard work for our family, her encouragement, her prayers, her love, her support, her guidance, and the list could go on and on and on. Let me share with you some things I remember about my mom and how special she is. 

1) I don't really remember this event, but every time I hear the story, I know that my moms heart was full of worry because she loved me so much. (to make a long story short) When I was 2 years old, I was lifelined to Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis because of what they thought was Croup. I stopped breathing and they had to bring me back to life 2 or 3 times. (I can't remember) My grandpa was at work and somehow the message got turned around and he got the message that I was gone. Even though I don't remember this, I am sure my mom was right by my side during this. I am sure my mom might have even shed a tear or two. I am sure she prayed many prayers. Well, because that's what my mom does.

2) I remember in elementary school (and probably even preschool), we had school programs. The one I remember clearly is the Christmas program. It was a big thing to have a nice, new Christmas dress to wear to the program. We didn't always have a ton of money, but somehow me and my sister always had a new dress to wear. I remember one year we were going through a tough spot financially as a family, and I remember crying to my mom about me being the only one who wouldn't have a new dress to wear. I could sense and see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes and heart. Long story short...they somehow worked it out. I had a new dress for that program. That's what my mom does.

3) I remember the year I wanted to make the Elementary volleyball team so bad! This was my last chance. The years before, I didn't make it. So, this year I worked so hard and I was certain I was going to make the team. My mom picked me up and we sat in the car and waited for the list of people who made the team to be posted. I was so excited! When I heard that the list had been posted in the gym I ran in looking for my name. As I heard girls screaming and hugging with excitement, I discovered my name wasn't on the list. I didn't make it. All I could do was try to hold in the tears until I got to the car. I think my mom knew as soon as she saw me come out of the gym. I got in the car and just bawled. All my friends had made it, I didn't. My mom held me while I cried and told me that I had tried my hardest and that God gave me other gifts that He didn't give those girls. She comforted her devastated daughter that day. That's what my mom does.

4) I remember when my mom was my teacher in 6th grade. One day me and my 2 best friends had had a really big fight. (remember those silly fights in school?? :) ) We all were crying like girls, and my mom called us all out in the hall. She told us that whatever we were fighting about (can't even remember) was silly and that we weren't allowed to come back into the classroom until we had worked it out. Of course we all went back into the classroom giggling like we hadn't even been fighting. My mom cared about my relationships. That's what my mom does.

5) I remember after I graduated high school, I went to South Carolina for college. I remember packing up the van and heading to South Carolina. My stomach felt sick the whole way there. (I got homesick easily) I remember her trying to build up this school and how much fun I would have. I remember her helping me make my dorm room inviting, and homey. I remember her putting my new bed sheets and comforter on my bed, pictures on my desk and dresser, hanging up all my clothes. Anything to make me feel better about being so far from home. I remember when it was time for them to leave. I walked them out, and I remember sobbing as I watched them drive away without me. My mom told me later that it was one of the hardest things she has ever had to do. My mom has a heart. My mom cares about my feelings. My mom sometimes misses me. That's what my mom does.

6) I remember my wedding day. I remember her fastening my wedding dress, all her hard work put into the wedding. I remember her hosting a lot of family for this special event. I remember her watching me have fun with my bridesmaids one last time as an engaged woman. I remember her watching me arm in arm with my daddy, walking down the aisle to my soon to be husband. I remember how special the reception was that she worked so hard at putting together. I remember her last hug before we left for our honeymoon as a married couple. I remember that "I Love You" in my ear following that hug. My mom makes my days special. That's what my mom does.

7) I remember the day we found out we were losing our son, Eli. We were having them over for supper and I was busy getting dinner ready, when I found out the news. My mom and dad and sister walked in expecting to have a fun dinner together, but instead my mom found me sobbing on the floor. Right then and there, my mom put her arms around me and laid down beside me and cried with me. The next day Eli left us. My mom again held me as I cried begging her and my husband to bring me my boy back. My mom holds me while I cry. That's just what my mom does. 

8) I remember my mom being in the court room when both children were adopted. I think her smile was the biggest I have ever seen. She was a proud grandma. My mom loves her grandkids. That's just what my mom does.

9) I remember her waiting in the waiting room while Kagon was being born. I remember her being there after I just cut the cord and as I carried a little 5 pound little boy past her and how she stroked his little hand for the first time. I remember her holding this little guy the first time. My mom has so much love in her heart. That's just what my mom does.

Those are just a few of the many, many, many memories I have of my mom. But, there is one more that holds such a special place in my heart. Especially as a mom now. That memory is prayer. My mom has been and still is such a prayer warrior. When she tells you that she is going to pray for you, she prays for you. There is not a day that goes by that she doesn't pray for her family by name. And because she is such a prayer warrior, one of my favorite memories of my mom is her coming into my room (and my sisters) and praying with us every single night. She never missed a night. She would either hold our hand or put her arms around us while we prayed. She did that from my earliest days on earth and she did it the last night I slept at home before my wedding day. That is something special. As a mom, I understand the importance of leading and pointing your children to Christ and what a burden that is in a moms heart. If I didn't have her influence and prayer in my life, I am not exactly sure where I would be in life. 

Mom, on this Mother's Day I want you to know how much you are loved. I want you to know how much of an impact you had (and still have) on my life. You are the most loving, sacrificial, patient, mom I know. Your love for dad, me, and Hannah is a love that I just can't explain. Your early morning prayers for us, your tears of a broken heart because of something we might have done, your hugs, your encouragement...they mean the world. Mom, thank you for loving me unconditionally. No matter what I do, what I say, what I think...you love me no matter what. Mom, thank you for never giving up on me even when I wanted to give up on myself. Mom, thank you for praying for me, especially on those days that I couldn't come up with the words to pray. Mom, thank you for supporting me in all my endeavors, even the ones that flopped big time. Mom, thank you for all your help with the late night school projects and science fair's and math homework. Mom, thank you for loving me for me. And most importantly, thanks mom for pointing me to Christ through your words and actions. Because, well....that's just what you do. I love you mom! Happy Mother's Day!

Empty Cradle

As Mother's Day is approaching, I can't help but go back to the four years before I became a mother. Since I was a little girl, all I had ever hoped to be was a mom. I never played with Barbies, I wasn't really interested in princesses or playing dress up. My days as a child involved dressing my baby dolls, feeding them bottles, pushing them in strollers, putting them in carseats and giving them baths. My little world revolved around those baby dolls as if they were live, little, tiny babies that I was really caring for. I remember I couldn't wait to get married so I could start my own family, fill up my house with real children, and live a "happily ever after" kind of life. There was just one little (ok, big) thing that nobody prepared me for or could prepare me for. What happens when the one dream I have had since I was just a babe on my parents knee, doesn't just happen. What if that pregnancy test only shows one line? What happens if I have an empty cradle for the rest of my life? See, nothing could prepare me for our journey. What I thought and dreamed would be so easy and so close within my reach, was so hard and seemed impossible.

Those four years were the longest years of my life it seemed. I don't know how much money we spent on home pregnancy tests, how many hours we sat in the bathroom waiting for a line or lines to show on the test, how many tears were shed, or even how many bouts I had of being mad at God. It was hard being happy for those around me getting pregnant. It was hard to hear a baby cry in a restaurant or in a store. It was hard for me to answer those questions like...."So when are you guys going to start popping them out??" If they only knew!! It was hard to hear moms talk about their sleepless nights.It was hard for me to hear mom complain about different things during their pregnancy. Did they know what I would do for one of their sleepless nights or a morning with my head in the toilet or to be so uncomfortable? Those years were a rollercoaster for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In those four years, we took test after test, only to be disappointed every single time. In those four years we also lost a son through a failed adoption. He was with us for three weeks. Nursery was done, a friend threw a shower, gifts were everywhere, every inch of the house was now filled with blue blankies, pacifiers, Johnson's shampoo, stuffed animals, cute little clothes, and bottles. Three short weeks later, he was taken from us. Awful situation. So, we were left with a bright blue nursery with airplane bedding, wooden letters spelled out across the wall- ELIJAH. We were left an empty crib. I can still remember the way he smelled. I still remember the way he would tuck his little hand in my shirt as he went to sleep. I still remember his little toothless smile when I would go in to get him in the mornings. He was my boy!  Now, almost 2 years later we have two amazing children through adoption.

I share all this because...I know how hard Mother's Day is when you want a child so bad, but it just hasn't happened. Mother's Day is a time to celebrate our mothers. Yes, we all have a mother but Mother's Day represents something different to different people. Maybe this Mother's Day, you are celebrating because you have a tiny little miracle growing inside of you. Maybe this Mother's Day you are celebrating because you are a mother to children that God has blessed you with. Maybe this Mother's Day you aren't celebrating.  Maybe it is because you have lost your mother. Maybe it is because you have empty arms.

Every year women either look forward to or dread this special day that comes once a year. As you might be celebrating the gift of life, I ask you to be sensitive to those other women who might be around you who aren't but wish so badly they were. In church, when the pastor asks the mother's to stand, say a prayer for those women around you sitting who hope to be standing by the next Mother's Day.  Am I saying you need to sit around the house, crying, mourning with those who can't celebrate?? Absolutely not! Celebrate for the gift of little precious children pulling at your leg. Celebrate those sleepless nights. Celebrate the spit-up on your new dress. Celebrate the milestones. Celebrate because you are a mom. However, keep those women who cannot celebrate quite yet, in your thoughts and prayers. Reach out to one of them. Hug them. For their day involves an empty cradle.

The Little Things

Do you ever have one of those times when one thing after another just keeps building and building and building in your system, and finally you can't take it anymore and you finally just melt. I am not talking about a few tear drops. Ladies, I am talking about the full-fledged, throw yourself on the bed, mascara running all over the place, snot oozing out of your nose, sobbing into your pillow kind of meltdown???Yeah, well I had one of those last night. It is good for the soul. Right? After listing the many things that have been building up inside me to my husband, he put his arms around me and just listened and reassured me that everything is going to be ok. One of the things that I told him was that I just feel so unappreciated at time. Those of you with small children or those of you who have once had small children probably can understand where I am coming from. Although, my husband is always telling me thank you for this and that, it just sometimes isn't enough. It's not his fault. I am a woman. :) I have unrealistic expectations sometimes.

You see, some days I feel like I do the same things over and over and over again. Clean up the toys, do the laundry, make the bed, put ALL the books away that are scattered hither and yon, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, make supper, do baths for the kids, pick up the toys again, and then do it all over the next day. I wonder if anybody really notices, or if anybody really appreciates it. Or, is it just expected? As I was wiping away the tears, and wiping the snot from every crevice of my face (or so it seemed), I was reminded of an incident that happened just a few weeks ago......

The morning had been a not so good morning. Both kids were just in one of those moods. Crying, whining, not listening, etc. I had to go to the store for something (don't remember what for), and as I was driving to the store, I prayed that there would be a parking spot open beside one of the "cart collector stations." (not sure what they are really called) I wanted it to be a very fast trip, and this was just one of those things that would make this trip more smooth. I got to Meijer, and it was PACKED. Great! One more thing! I circled the parking lot and the only spots left were far out, not by the carts. I debated whether or not just to go home, but I had to get this item so we had to go in. I got out of my car, and a gentleman came towards me with a cart. He said..."Ma'am, would you like to have my cart?" I looked at him with tears welling up in my eyes. I said, "Yes. Yes I sure would! You have no idea how much this cart means to me!!" He looked at me with such confusion on his face and walked away. That was my reminder that God does care about the little things in life. He does notice when I pick up those lego's for the 100th time that day. He does see me cook a meal for my family day after day. He does hear those sighs while putting the books back on the shelf. See, what may have seemed like a funny prayer to me to get a parking spot by the carts, wasn't a funny prayer to God. Just like He cares about our biggest problems, He cares about those small things too.

So as I was sniffling myself to sleep last night, it was like God reminded me of that one afternoon in the Meijer parking lot. Those things that I do day after day after day, He sees. He appreciates. He notices. So, if God cares about these little things that you and I do, then surely He knows the anxiety about I have about our future. I am reminded of an old hymn. I have been humming it all day.

"God will take care of you, through everyday, o'er all the way. He will take care of you, God will take care of you."

So whether it be a shopping cart, or a move, or a family tragedy....God knows. God cares. God gives grace.