Five years have passed. Five years ago I picked up the phone to hear a lady on the other end telling me we were chosen to be your parents. I remember sitting in the car alone, bawling my eyes out. You see, my heart longed to be a mommy ever since I was a little girl. I had a dream, and in that moment in the car, my dream had just become a reality. It was a Wednesday, and we were told that we would get to pick you up on Friday morning. My mind began racing...we had NOTHING. That night we went shopping for bottles, blankies, a carseat/stroller, diapers, toys, clothes, pacifiers, a monitor, and and every other thing we could think of that you could possibly need. My mind began wondering if I could be the mother to you that you deserved. Could I possibly love a child that did not grow inside of me for nine months? Would you and me create a special bond as a mother and son? Would you love me back? In the midst of the chaos, fears, anxiety, and excitement, I began praying that I would be able to raise you to want to make Jesus your very own Lord and Savior.
Well, that morning came. I didn't get much sleep the night before. I wondered what you would look like and what you would be wearing and how you would smell and how you would feel snuggled in my arms. We put your carseat in the car, and the packed diaper bag, and off we went. It was a quiet ride. I think our minds were thinking different thoughts, but our hearts were experiencing the same excitement and nervousness. We pulled in, got the carseat and diaper bag out, walked into the building and got on the elevator. We were met with hugs from social workers with happy tears running down their faces. They escorted us to a room to wait for you to arrive.
Minutes seemed like hours. Finally we saw the door open, and walking through the door was a woman carrying a little baby boy, dressed in khaki overalls with little blue shoes on. My heart skipped a beat. The lady asked me if I wanted to hold you and of course I said yes! I put out my arms and took you from hers, and instantly the tears began to flow. All the years of praying for a child, and in that moment, the answer to my prayers was put in my arms. I wasn't sure if my tears were going to stop, but I just basked in that moment. Pictures were being taken, papers were needing signed, instructions were being given...but I didn't care. For all I knew, it was just you and me in that room, looking into each others eyes and realizing that I didn't know what in the world I was doing, but that I would figure it out as we went.
That first day and night were pretty hard. You were getting used to a new place, and I was getting used to the whole mommy thing. Most mommy's have 9 months to prepare...we had 1 day. So forgive me if I wasn't an expert. Forgive me if I didn't know what you wanted. Forgive me if I didn't hold you close enough to drive away your little fears. At the end of our first day, you finally fell asleep. I put you down in your crib, and I prayed over you. This was my prayer...
" Lord, I am so thankful for this little baby boy that you have given us. My years of prayers have been answered. I pray that as he grows up, He will search you and know you and make you the Lord of His life. Lord, I give Eli back to you to use as you would see fit. Thank you so much for placing him in our lives. Amen"
The days got better, the bond between me and you was becoming something so wonderful, and I was enjoying being able to stay home with you. I began thinking about Christmas time and how it would be so wonderful to adopt you around the holidays and how special that would be. Little did I know, the words that I prayed to God the first night we had you, would become literal. See, what I didn't know was, God would literally take you back three short weeks later.
I remember that day as if it just happened yesterday. I remember being in the fetal position on the ground crying. I remember hitting your daddy's chest, yelling at him to go bring you back. I remember my mom just holding me and letting me moan and yell and sob. From that day on, my days were dark and gloomy.Most days, I didn't think I could go on. There were nights where I would hear you cry, only to run in your room and find an empty crib. There were many times where I would go throw myself on the floor in your bright blue planes and trains nursery, screaming at God. There were times that I would frantically go through your closet searching for something you recently wore, just to smell your scent again. There were days when I had to close your nursery door so I could close out the memory I had of you, even if just for a few minutes. I yearned to have you back in my arms. I wanted so badly to get you out of bed one more time or to have you fall asleep on my chest as I sang you 'Jesus Loves Me.' I wanted to be able to hold you close one last time. It was all taken so quickly.
Those questions that I asked myself in the beginning...they were answered the moment I met you and held you in my arms. Could I love a child who I did not carry for nine months? Absolutely! I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you! Could we have a special bond? YES! We did have such a special bond. I did my absolute best with you. So, if I did my best and loved you with such an unconditional love, and held you when you cried and put you in God's hands...why did He take you back? Why did He place the answer to my prayers in my arms, then snatch it away in just three short weeks? For years, I was mad at God. The guilt I had in my heart was overwhelming at times. Five years later, and I have tears running down my face as I write this. I still don't understand why, but this is what I do know....
Eli, I loved you from the moment I saw you and today, five years later..I still love you with all of my heart. I sit and wonder what it would be like to watch you play with Lina'e and Kagon and what fun you would bring into our lives. I think about you daily. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Eli, this mother's heart will love you until the day that I die, but I must move on. God gave you to us for just a short while, but I have to trust that that was God's plan for all of us. I cannot keep trying to change the past and wonder about all the what if's. I am so thankful for the sleepless nights I stayed awake with you singing to you, praying over you, talking to you, and even crying over you. I am so thankful for your smiles, laughs, and little wet sloppy kisses. Those are the things that will last forever in my heart. That first night, I put you in the hands of the One that holds all of my tomorrows, and there is no greater place to leave you, my sweet sweet boy. I love you.
Love,
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment