Adoption: Taking the Easy Way Out

Since November is National Adoption Awareness Month, I figured it would be fitting if I took you on a little journey that led us to our two beautiful blessings God gave us. In the past month or two, I have had several people mention to me how "easy" our adoptions were and how we should really be thankful how easily we "got" our babies. I have even had a few people tell me that if they knew that getting a baby was that easy, they would have "taken the easy way out" too. The purpose is not to have a pity party for us, or to draw attention to ourselves. However, it is to simply give you a glimpse of what adoption looks like sometimes. Adoption is not always roses and butterflies. Adoption can be hard, disappointing, tiresome, and scary. But, God always brings good from everything you endure. Our journey has been anything but easy, but we have learned so much about ourselves and God and can look back now and see what all God brought us through.

Will and I started trying for children pretty much right after we got married. The one thing I wanted to be ever since I was a little girl is a mom. The thing that you don't know or get taught as a young child though, is that not every woman can have a baby. Not every woman can get pregnant. So, imagine the heartache and disappointment month after month, seeing only one line on pregnancy test after pregnancy test after pregnancy test. I would hate to know the amount of money we spent on those darn things. Lots of tears shed in the bathroom as I prayed over my pee on a stick, only to see one pink line show up. After about a year and a half, we decided that maybe it was time to take a break from trying and just enjoy life again. So we planned a nice week long anniversary trip to the Smokey Mountains. We had such a relaxing time. We got a cabin with a hot tub, indoor jacuzzi, nice little kitchen, and a pretty view. It was nice to just get away and enjoy God's beautiful creation and all the fun things to do in Pigeon Forge. After spending a week there, we came home to reality. At the time, Will was working as a telemarketer and I had a daycare out of our home. A couple days later, I got a phone call from our foster care agency. We were newly licensed with them, so I was surprised to get a call that soon. She called asking if we would be interested in going through the interviewing process for a 4 month old little boy named Elijah. Without hesitation, I think I SCREAMED yes!! :) She said that there were about 6 families total that would be interviewed for this little boy. She advised us to maybe make a photo book of us, our home, and families. That night we went to Hobby Lobby and shopped for the cutest scrapbook, stickers, etc for our book. We finished the book that very night. To make a long story short, we went through 2 interviews and eventually got the call that we were the chosen couple for this sweet boy. He would be in our home for three months before we could officially adopt him, and then we would get to adopt him around Christmas of 2009. We got that call on a Wednesday and got to pick him up on that Friday. We were taken into a room while we waited for his foster mom to bring him in. I remember tears welling up in my eyes as they walked in with him. I remember what he was wearing, and I remember how cute he was. We fell in love with him as soon as we saw him.



The next few days involved meeting family members, creating and painting his nursery, baby showers, and nights where we would just hold him and stare at him. We loved this family that happened so quickly. To make a longer story shorter, since he was technically labeled as a "foster child" until the adoption was final, we were required to have visits with the social workers once or twice a week. On all of their visits, we were told what a great job we were doing and how he seemed to be so comfortable in our home. One day, in the 3rd week of having him in our home we had a routine social worker visit. They were asking how we were adjusting and liking having him with us. Somehow in the visit, it came up that I was on a low dose of anti-depressants at the time. They assured us that that is normal and lots of people are on them, blah blah blah. The visit ended well, and we crossed it off as one less visit before adoption gets to happen. The next evening (a Thursday night), we were having my parents over for dinner. I received a call from the social worker. It was at 5:30, so I thought that was very odd. She said her and another lady needed to stop by. I told them my family was getting ready to come over for dinner and that maybe the next day might be better. She insisted they had to come that evening and that they wouldn't stay long. I agreed, but very confused on why they HAD to come. They arrived a short time later, and they had a look on their faces like they were getting ready to give us some bad news. I had Eli in my arms, and I invited them into the living room. We all sat down, and there was a minute (which seemed like forever) of silence, and then they cut straight to it. They said that we had done such a great job with him, and that they knew this was going to be hard on us, but they were going to come the next morning to remove him from our home. In complete shock, I asked them their reasoning. This is what they told me..."We just don't think Elijah deserves a mom that is taking anti-depressants." My heart sank.It was MY fault. I bawled. We wanted them out of our home! Before they left they told us to have Eli's belongings packed and to have him dressed and ready to go by 10:00 AM the next morning. I remember just falling to the floor, and bawling over Eli who was playing on the floor. My family walked in shortly after, expecting dinner to be made and ready to eat. Instead, they saw their daughter and sister in a ball bawling on the floor yelling, "They are taking our son!" over and over and over. We called our pastor and he came over and prayed with us, and the rest of the night involved holding Eli and packing up his clothes, bottles, favorite toys and blankies.



The next morning came fast. We put his new Colts sweatsuit on him and some cute little Colts socks. His belongings were sitting by the door with his sock monkey sitting on top. We paced the floors, and looking out the window at the pouring rain we finally saw the dreaded car pull in the drive. I started to bawl once again. I knew what that care represented. It represented taking my dream away. It represented a family being torn apart. It represented a child being an orphan again. It represented unfairness. It represented an empty crib and an empty airplane nursery with clothes, tags still on them, hanging in the closet that would never be worn. We heard the knock at the door, and my knees grew weak. Will answered the door, and the social workers were quiet. They didn't waste much time. They began taking Eli's tote of clothes to the car, then his diaper bag. We both knew the next thing to be taken to the car.....our son. They told us to say our good-bye's. My family was there as well as a close friend. We held him, smelled him, cried on him, squeezed him, and prayed over him. We loaded him into his carseat and we handed him over. We followed them as they took him outside in the rain and loaded him in the car. We gave him our last kiss and shut the door. We barely could walk back to the house. We stood there watching the car pull away, and it hit me. I remember screaming and hitting my husband, yelling at him to go get our son. I fell to the floor and sobbed. That evening we went to stay with my family. We stayed in their basement that night and around 3:00 AM, I ran upstairs because I heard a baby crying. I went to his bed that he slept in while at mom and dad's and it was empty. I had woken up to reality. Our son being gone was not a dream. It was real. Days, weeks, and months went by. Many evenings we would go sob on the nursery floor. Many days I would go in the empty nursery, frantically going through the little pile of his dirty laundry trying to smell his scent again. We weren't sure if we were going to make it through that. The heartache of it all was enough to kill us. Even writing this, it takes me back to those days. However, four years later here we are. Do we miss him? ABSOLUTELY! Do I still feel guilt from time to time? Of course! But, we are still alive and well to tell this story. This story is part of our story. Looking back, I am reminded of God's faithfulness. He carried us when we couldn't carry on. He used the prayers of others to lift us up when we didn't have or didn't want to have the words to pray. He used others to lift us up, encourage, and take us under their wing. God was faithful then, and He is still faithful now. I still thank God for the time we were able to parent Eli. We will always consider him our son, and we will always thank God for him, even though our time with him was short.



About 16 months later, we were blessed with the gift of our daughter Lina'e through adoption. We officially adopted her on January 30, 2011! Our world felt complete again. The pink, the bows, the frills, the baby dolls. Oh, how fun!!!! A tiny little baby, weighing a little over 5 pounds, born with marijuana in her system, and having to wear oxygen and a heart monitor for the first five months of her life. I remember how fun it was to put her in cute little pink outfits with bows that matched. I remember the sleepless nights the first few nights we had her, worried that her heart monitor would go off. I remember how cuddly she was. We were enjoying life again as a family of three. One day six months later in June of 2011, Will and I left Lina'e with my parents for the day while we went to go fishing for the day at Summit Lake. We dropped her off around 9 or 10 in the morning, and left for the day.....or so we thought. We arrived at Summit Lake (about half hour away), found a good spot, unloaded our car, walked down the hill to the lake, sat our chairs up, got our fishing poles all rigged up and got the hooks out into the lake. Literally, about five minutes later, Will's phone rang. It was our attorney. Will answered it, and I could tell by his face and his words that we were getting some bad news. He hung up and slowly walked toward me and sat down in his chair. There were a few seconds of silence and then he told me. Lina'es birthmom had filed a petition to get Lina'e back. Once again, we were devastated. Once again, I was threatened to lose my dream. We packed up our stuff and headed back to mom and dad's. The car ride back was complete silent, with silent tears streaming down my face. We got to mom and dad's, and imagine their shock when we walked in the door and I was bawling. We told them what had happened, and I could tell in their eyes...their hearts sank.
The next few months were miserable. We tried to be the parents that Lina'e deserved. We tried to be strong, but then something would happen that made us fall apart. A lie was told about us, or birthfamily was driving by our house, or having to call the cops because birthfamily was parked outside our house, or having to leave our church because we were being stalked by the birthfamily. These type of things went on for a whole year. Our trial dates kept getting moved, so this fight to keep our daughter went on for a whole year. We had many hard days. Wondering if this would be the last holiday with her, or if we would get to see her first steps, or if this would be the last morning I would get to get her out of her bed. Kagon was also born in the midst of all this. How would I explain to him that his sister got taken away? Living like that was tiring. Very tiring. Everyone kept saying that God would answer our prayers, and that everything was going to turn out just fine and to keep the faith. Let me tell ya....I am a Christian and I believe in God. However, when you are going through a trial, it is easier said than done. When you don't know if you are going to lose your child again, it isn't always easy to say, “Lord, I know that your will is best. I have faith that you are going to have good come from it.” Again, to make a long story shorter, our final trial date was set for June 2012. Two weeks before the final trial, we got another call from our attorney. Birthmom wanted us all to come together and see if we could come to some agreement so everything could be dropped. Two days later, we met with her, her attorney, and our attorney. We met for a few hours and finally came up with an agreement and that night all of it was dropped. If you can picture yourself carrying all your grocery bags inside the house, and that feeling when you finally let go of them and put them down....That is how it felt. I literally felt like the weight of the world was lifted, and we could enjoy life again as a family without worrying if this or that would be the last with Lina'e. Even though we would never want to go through that again, and even though we wouldn't wish that on our worst enemy....looking back now, we saw that once again God was faithful. He stayed true to His promises. Our faith was tested, we passed the test, and we owe it all to Him and His love and grace.



In the midst of Lina'es trial situation, two weeks before Christmas 2011, we got another call from our attorney. Will had just picked me up at work. ( I was working in a Doctor's office at the time) I opened the door to kiss Lina'e and Will looked back at me and said, “Our attorney's office called.” Once again, my heart fell to my stomach. “Not again” I thought. He quickly said, “They want to know if we would like another baby.” I yelled, “YES! YES! YES!” We called them back to tell them we were interested. Three weeks later we met the birthmom at Johnny Carino's for dinner. Everything went so well!!! Two weeks later I called into work because Lina'e was up coughing all night and I felt like I needed to be with her. Later that morning, I got a call from the birthmom telling me we needed to get to the hospital soon because she was in labor. I RAN (and I don't run :) ) upstairs, scooped Lina'e up in my arms and packed a diaper bag and got into the car. I called Will on the way (he was at work) and told him I was on my way to pick him up because there was a baby on the way. We got there, and I went back to the birthing area and was greeted by birthmom's mom. She told me that she (birthmom) really would like me in the room. I was so excited! I called my mom and told her we were at the hospital and she came fast. We were in the waiting room for about a half hour when birth grandma came and got me saying that birthmom was getting ready to push. I got into the room and shortly she began to push. She only had to push one time, and he was here! The doctor asked who was cutting the cord, and I will never forget that moment. Birthmom looked up at me and said, “His mommy will.” What a neat experience!!!! Kagon Zachariah was born at 2:18 in the afternoon, weighing 5 lbs. 14 oz. He was born addicted to pain killers and had to stay in the NICU for 3 and a half weeks. Seeing your little baby boy go through withdrawals is TERRIBLE. Uncontrollable crying, scratching his face, can't sleep or stay still and knowing that NOTHING you do will help. After a few weeks we were able to bring him home and adjust to being a family of four. What blessings!
What do I want others to take away from this?

1. GOD IS FAITHFUL, and HE ALWAYS KEEPS HIS PROMISES!!!!! (even in bad times)
   
2. Don't ever take your ability to get pregnant for granted. Many women wish with every ounce of their being that they could carry a child.
   
3. Don't ever take your child/children for granted.
   
4. We aren't promised tomorrow with our loved ones. Make memories and love on your family.
   
5. Children are such blessings from God. Enjoy them, love them, encourage them, build them up, point them to Christ.
   
6. Adoption is not always easy, but it is SO worth it.
   
7. Not all adoption experiences are like ours! Every adoption is different. Please don't let our story scare you. We have beautiful children to show for our trials and what God did!
   
8. Pray about how you can be involved in some way with adoption. If God is not calling you to adopt, pray about how you can reach out to adoptive parents or talk to your church or family about what you can do.
   
9. PRAY for the children who are waiting for families to adopt them. Pray that God will send a family that will love on them and adopt them.
   
10. PRAY for those families who have empty arms who are waiting for God to bless them with a child.
    
11. PRAY for those families who have lost a child/children. Whether it be through death or something else, it is NOT easy.
    

So, to the ones who say we took the easy way out and to the ones who say our we got our babies so easily, I hope our story shows that we did not in fact take the easy way out and our journey was in fact not easy at all. Looking back on our journey, I am reminded of the well known poem, Footprints In The Sand. I look back on our journey and I can remember those days that I felt like I couldn't go any further. Those are the days He carried me. I look back on some of those really rough days of uncertainty and see only one set of footprints. I am so thankful to have a Savior who picks us up, carries us, and gives us strength to face another day. When I think about our children and how God has blessed us, I can't help but get tears in my eyes. Because of HIM, I have two special angels sleeping soundly in their beds with not a care in the world. My life-long dream of being a mom is now a reality. Yes, there are days that they drive me nuts. But, there are more days that they make me laugh, and simply look to Heaven and thank God for giving me the gift of my children. Our journey has not been easy, but when I look into my children's eyes or when I hold their soft little hands, or when I sing them to sleep.....it makes our journey all worth it.

“Not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone but miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart but in it.”

Letter to Angels

To my little blue-eyed girl, who takes her sweet time enjoying every little thing around her. The one who will take her time looking for and picking the perfect flower (usually a weed) on every single walk to give to her mommy. The one who notices every single bird flying up above, every color of an evening sunset, every school bus we pass on the road, and every little detail of Tinkerbell. The one who fights with her little brother, but who protects him as much as a two year old can. The one who loves ketchup on everything, loves twirling around in her princess dress up clothes, and the one who thinks her mommy and daddy can do no wrong. And to my brown-skinned, dark eyed, handsome little boy, who chooses to run everywhere and body slams into everything. The one who has no fear of anything. The one who willingly jumps off the side of the pool, picks up bugs and worms, pets alligators, loves anything that is noisy and dirty. The one who is ALL boy, hyper, and will torture his sister all day. The one who never slows down until bedtime. The one who even though is on the go all day, quiets when you grab his blankie and rock him at night with his head on my chest, quietly singing "Jesus Loves Me" into his sweet little ears. The one that even at one and a half years old, has a big heart for others. It is to you two, I write this letter.

Lina'e and Kagon,
Over the past week, I have been reminiscing those early days when you entered our family through the wonderful gift of adoption. I remember when both of your tummy moms asked us if we would adopt you. We didn't even have to think about it! I then think about how much they must have trusted me and your dad. They must have had enough trust to place you both into our care, to allow you to become a Grinstead. When I think about how much they trusted us, it overwhelms me. Your tummy moms trusted us to raise you in a loving, nurturing, Christian home. They trusted us to provide for you, to provide you with a loving and stable home. They trusted us to give you experiences and take you places that they could not. They trusted us to love you unconditionally, to love you no matter the choices you make, no matter what you do or will do, no matter what you become, and no matter where you go in life. They trusted us to give you the world.

I am not sure if you know this or not, but we as a family are in a season of uncertainty. Daddy's job ended this morning. I have been dreading this day. This day means that we are in a season of waiting. Waiting is not fun, especially when you don't know what is next. Jesus and I have had some talks these past couple of weeks. The mornings when you two are snuggled in your beds, when the sunlight is starting to peek through your curtains, mommy is having those talks with Jesus. I tell Him that He brought you two into our lives, as tiny babies wrapped in blankets in our arms. I remind Him that your tummy moms trusted us with your lives, to provide for you, to take care of you. Then, He quickly reminds me that yes, your tummy moms trusted us with you, but it was ultimately HIM who entrusted you into our care. I have this sense of guilt that we can't live up to that trust right now. I don't know how things are going to get paid or how life is going to play out in the next few days, weeks, months. But, I do know that God is going to take care of us. I do know He is going to provide. I do know He is with us and has not left us. I do know He is working somewhere on our behalf.

So, in the season of waiting and uncertainty I ask you to do something for me. I ask that you remain patient. I ask that you keep playing dress up and racing your toy cars. I ask that you keep loving Tinkerbell and Melmo (Elmo). I ask that you still look for that perfect flower to pick and that you still remain amazed at the ants and bugs that crawl on the sidewalk. I ask that you still notice every color of the sunset on our evening drives and that you still have no fear of anything. I ask that you still will think the world of me even when I fail. I ask that you still will love me when I cry and ask God why. I ask that you still look up to me even when I lose my patience. I ask that you still lay your head on my chest at night while I sing  "Jesus Loves Me" to you because I need to hear those words just as much as you do. I ask that you still take my hand in yours because I need to know you are still my biggest fan.

See, mommy can learn a few things from you both in this season of waiting and uncertainty. Lina'e I can learn to appreciate the littlest things such as sunny skies, birds singing, my favorite song on the radio, and a text message or call from someone special. I can learn to relax, breathe, and to enjoy each minute of every single day. Kagon, I can learn from you as well. I can learn that even though life is so busy and we are go-go-go a lot, that I can still have fun and I can still laugh. I can learn that if God cares about the littlest of creatures, He cares about us even more than that. I can learn that life doesn't have to be serious all the time. I can learn from you that in my times of uncertainty and weakness, I can still have such a heart for others.

Lina'e and Kagon, right now, I can't give you the world even though I so wish I could. We can't drive the best minivan out there. We can't have a huge house. We can't go to Disney World three times a year. We can't take vacations every season of the year. I can't buy you a new toy every week. But, I CAN give you lots of love. I CAN give you my heart. I CAN make memories with you every single day. I CAN pick all the flowers your little hearts desire. I CAN watch bugs crawl around on the sidewalk with you. I CAN stay home with you each and every day and watch you grow and witness your milestones. I CAN kiss your boo-boo's. I CAN hold you when you cry. I CAN read your favorite story to you over and over. I CAN tuck you into bed at night. I CAN teach you that Jesus loves you so very much.

In this season we are in, I can't give you the world, but I pray and hope that as we wait together, my life as a mommy will point you to the one who is carrying us through. I pray that you will be able to learn something from me as well. I pray that you will learn through my life, words, and actions that even though life is uncertain at times, our God is faithful. I pray that you learn that yes, this is a rough patch but mommy trusted God with her whole heart and has seen what faith can do. I pray that you can learn that even when your heart is scared and hurting, you can go to the Comforter. I pray that in the end of this season, you witness the harvest of what we have sown. I pray that you witness showers of blessings. I pray that you see Jesus working in your mommy's heart and life. I pray that you see your mommy making a difference in other people's lives as we wait. I pray that you see your mommy love others more than herself. I pray that you see your mommy loving God, and I pray that you see your mommy walking in faith.

Lina'e and Kagon, I love you with my whole heart and I know that God placed you in our family for a reason. I know that He created you both for us. When I think about the attempted abortions you both survived, it brings tears to my eyes. He saved you for us. He knew we needed YOU! This season won't be long. We will make it through. We have lots of people praying. In the meantime, we will embrace each new day together, trusting that God will make himself known in a very big way. Mommy loves you to the moon and back, sweet angels.

Love,
Mommy

God Designed Siblings

This past week, I had my first dentist appointment in about 5 years. Since moving to Indy, I didn't have a dentist, so my search began. I feel like God led me to the dentist office I went to for a reason. My dental hygienist took time to get to know me, and me and her talked like we had known each other for years. Our stories were similar...trouble getting pregnant, she and her husband thinking about adoption, wanting children so bad, etc. I hate going to the dentist, but like I blogged about earlier...God cares about the little things too. God put this lady in my path for a reason, even if it were just to calm my nerves about the whole dentist thing and finding out I have 9 stinkin' cavities. :) One question she asked me has really made me think since leaving that dentist office that day. She asked me about my kids and asked if they were siblings by birth. I told her no, but then really began thinking about it. My kids are not siblings by birth, but my kids are siblings because of God's design and plan. Out of all the children in the world, God hand-picked Lina'e and Kagon to be brother and sister in our family. Let that sink in...it is a pretty cool thought.

When we adopted Lina'e, I remember praying that God would give us a sibling for her at the right time. Little did we know, a year later we would welcome a precious little 5 lb baby boy into our family through adoption once again. I remember the day I got the call that Kagon's birthmom was in labor. I got to the hospital as fast as I could. She allowed me in the room and I got to watch Kagon enter this world and I was able to cut the cord. I remember wrapping him in one of those ugly hospital blankets that every hospital seems to have, and lifting him in my arms and walking him to the nursery for his vitals and first bath. There, we were greeted by Will, my mom, and Lina'e. I remember Lina'es face when she first saw Kagon. It was like she was thinking..."what in the world is this thing crying and making all this noise? And why are mommy and daddy loving on this thing??" Shortly after, we got a hospital room and Lina'e became very intrigued with him. It was then that I knew that they would be best buds.

My days normally involve the normal "sibling arguments" even at ages 2 and 1, but my days also involve hearing things like..."tea party, Kagon!" and "Come on Kagon, let's slide!" and the silence of knowing that they both are into something they aren't supposed to be in, and the sound of hugs and kisses, and the sound of toddler laughter that just melts your heart over and over again. The way that Kagon looks at his sister and admires her, makes me proud. The way Lina'e worries about Kagon when he cries, just makes me smile. When I watch them play, or when I look back in my rear-view mirror and see 2 little faces smiling and laughing at each other, I thank God for them. God knew that these 2 children would be my world. God knew these 2 children would be my life calling. I don't think I could have created a more perfect match for siblings than these little angels. People often say how blessed these children are to have me as a mom and how much that they needed someone like me. Little do they know, I am the blessed one and little do they know, I needed them. If I could pick a theme quote for their lives it would probably be this..."Siblings by adoption, friends by choice." As a mom to these precious little lives, I look forward to seeing them grow up together as not just siblings but friends. I hope and pray that I am able to live to see them grow up and accomplish big things in this world. However, if it is in God's plan to take me home sooner, I pray that they will always remember how blessed I was to have them as children. I pray that they will always remember to love each other and to always be there for each other. I pray that when they have those days when things seem like they will never work out, they remember how God took two precious babies from two different birthmoms and placed them as siblings in this momma's arms. God takes two different chapters, intertwines them, and it becomes a story. Lina'e and Kagon each have their own story, but by God and His glorious plan, they both became a chapter in my book. They are my story. They are my world.

A Tribute To My Mother....

As Mother's Day is just a day away, I am reminded and oh so thankful for the mother that God blessed me and my sister with. When I think of my mom, many things come to mind. I think of different memories, ways she has sacrificed over the years, her hard work for our family, her encouragement, her prayers, her love, her support, her guidance, and the list could go on and on and on. Let me share with you some things I remember about my mom and how special she is. 

1) I don't really remember this event, but every time I hear the story, I know that my moms heart was full of worry because she loved me so much. (to make a long story short) When I was 2 years old, I was lifelined to Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis because of what they thought was Croup. I stopped breathing and they had to bring me back to life 2 or 3 times. (I can't remember) My grandpa was at work and somehow the message got turned around and he got the message that I was gone. Even though I don't remember this, I am sure my mom was right by my side during this. I am sure my mom might have even shed a tear or two. I am sure she prayed many prayers. Well, because that's what my mom does.

2) I remember in elementary school (and probably even preschool), we had school programs. The one I remember clearly is the Christmas program. It was a big thing to have a nice, new Christmas dress to wear to the program. We didn't always have a ton of money, but somehow me and my sister always had a new dress to wear. I remember one year we were going through a tough spot financially as a family, and I remember crying to my mom about me being the only one who wouldn't have a new dress to wear. I could sense and see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes and heart. Long story short...they somehow worked it out. I had a new dress for that program. That's what my mom does.

3) I remember the year I wanted to make the Elementary volleyball team so bad! This was my last chance. The years before, I didn't make it. So, this year I worked so hard and I was certain I was going to make the team. My mom picked me up and we sat in the car and waited for the list of people who made the team to be posted. I was so excited! When I heard that the list had been posted in the gym I ran in looking for my name. As I heard girls screaming and hugging with excitement, I discovered my name wasn't on the list. I didn't make it. All I could do was try to hold in the tears until I got to the car. I think my mom knew as soon as she saw me come out of the gym. I got in the car and just bawled. All my friends had made it, I didn't. My mom held me while I cried and told me that I had tried my hardest and that God gave me other gifts that He didn't give those girls. She comforted her devastated daughter that day. That's what my mom does.

4) I remember when my mom was my teacher in 6th grade. One day me and my 2 best friends had had a really big fight. (remember those silly fights in school?? :) ) We all were crying like girls, and my mom called us all out in the hall. She told us that whatever we were fighting about (can't even remember) was silly and that we weren't allowed to come back into the classroom until we had worked it out. Of course we all went back into the classroom giggling like we hadn't even been fighting. My mom cared about my relationships. That's what my mom does.

5) I remember after I graduated high school, I went to South Carolina for college. I remember packing up the van and heading to South Carolina. My stomach felt sick the whole way there. (I got homesick easily) I remember her trying to build up this school and how much fun I would have. I remember her helping me make my dorm room inviting, and homey. I remember her putting my new bed sheets and comforter on my bed, pictures on my desk and dresser, hanging up all my clothes. Anything to make me feel better about being so far from home. I remember when it was time for them to leave. I walked them out, and I remember sobbing as I watched them drive away without me. My mom told me later that it was one of the hardest things she has ever had to do. My mom has a heart. My mom cares about my feelings. My mom sometimes misses me. That's what my mom does.

6) I remember my wedding day. I remember her fastening my wedding dress, all her hard work put into the wedding. I remember her hosting a lot of family for this special event. I remember her watching me have fun with my bridesmaids one last time as an engaged woman. I remember her watching me arm in arm with my daddy, walking down the aisle to my soon to be husband. I remember how special the reception was that she worked so hard at putting together. I remember her last hug before we left for our honeymoon as a married couple. I remember that "I Love You" in my ear following that hug. My mom makes my days special. That's what my mom does.

7) I remember the day we found out we were losing our son, Eli. We were having them over for supper and I was busy getting dinner ready, when I found out the news. My mom and dad and sister walked in expecting to have a fun dinner together, but instead my mom found me sobbing on the floor. Right then and there, my mom put her arms around me and laid down beside me and cried with me. The next day Eli left us. My mom again held me as I cried begging her and my husband to bring me my boy back. My mom holds me while I cry. That's just what my mom does. 

8) I remember my mom being in the court room when both children were adopted. I think her smile was the biggest I have ever seen. She was a proud grandma. My mom loves her grandkids. That's just what my mom does.

9) I remember her waiting in the waiting room while Kagon was being born. I remember her being there after I just cut the cord and as I carried a little 5 pound little boy past her and how she stroked his little hand for the first time. I remember her holding this little guy the first time. My mom has so much love in her heart. That's just what my mom does.

Those are just a few of the many, many, many memories I have of my mom. But, there is one more that holds such a special place in my heart. Especially as a mom now. That memory is prayer. My mom has been and still is such a prayer warrior. When she tells you that she is going to pray for you, she prays for you. There is not a day that goes by that she doesn't pray for her family by name. And because she is such a prayer warrior, one of my favorite memories of my mom is her coming into my room (and my sisters) and praying with us every single night. She never missed a night. She would either hold our hand or put her arms around us while we prayed. She did that from my earliest days on earth and she did it the last night I slept at home before my wedding day. That is something special. As a mom, I understand the importance of leading and pointing your children to Christ and what a burden that is in a moms heart. If I didn't have her influence and prayer in my life, I am not exactly sure where I would be in life. 

Mom, on this Mother's Day I want you to know how much you are loved. I want you to know how much of an impact you had (and still have) on my life. You are the most loving, sacrificial, patient, mom I know. Your love for dad, me, and Hannah is a love that I just can't explain. Your early morning prayers for us, your tears of a broken heart because of something we might have done, your hugs, your encouragement...they mean the world. Mom, thank you for loving me unconditionally. No matter what I do, what I say, what I think...you love me no matter what. Mom, thank you for never giving up on me even when I wanted to give up on myself. Mom, thank you for praying for me, especially on those days that I couldn't come up with the words to pray. Mom, thank you for supporting me in all my endeavors, even the ones that flopped big time. Mom, thank you for all your help with the late night school projects and science fair's and math homework. Mom, thank you for loving me for me. And most importantly, thanks mom for pointing me to Christ through your words and actions. Because, well....that's just what you do. I love you mom! Happy Mother's Day!

Empty Cradle

As Mother's Day is approaching, I can't help but go back to the four years before I became a mother. Since I was a little girl, all I had ever hoped to be was a mom. I never played with Barbies, I wasn't really interested in princesses or playing dress up. My days as a child involved dressing my baby dolls, feeding them bottles, pushing them in strollers, putting them in carseats and giving them baths. My little world revolved around those baby dolls as if they were live, little, tiny babies that I was really caring for. I remember I couldn't wait to get married so I could start my own family, fill up my house with real children, and live a "happily ever after" kind of life. There was just one little (ok, big) thing that nobody prepared me for or could prepare me for. What happens when the one dream I have had since I was just a babe on my parents knee, doesn't just happen. What if that pregnancy test only shows one line? What happens if I have an empty cradle for the rest of my life? See, nothing could prepare me for our journey. What I thought and dreamed would be so easy and so close within my reach, was so hard and seemed impossible.

Those four years were the longest years of my life it seemed. I don't know how much money we spent on home pregnancy tests, how many hours we sat in the bathroom waiting for a line or lines to show on the test, how many tears were shed, or even how many bouts I had of being mad at God. It was hard being happy for those around me getting pregnant. It was hard to hear a baby cry in a restaurant or in a store. It was hard for me to answer those questions like...."So when are you guys going to start popping them out??" If they only knew!! It was hard to hear moms talk about their sleepless nights.It was hard for me to hear mom complain about different things during their pregnancy. Did they know what I would do for one of their sleepless nights or a morning with my head in the toilet or to be so uncomfortable? Those years were a rollercoaster for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In those four years, we took test after test, only to be disappointed every single time. In those four years we also lost a son through a failed adoption. He was with us for three weeks. Nursery was done, a friend threw a shower, gifts were everywhere, every inch of the house was now filled with blue blankies, pacifiers, Johnson's shampoo, stuffed animals, cute little clothes, and bottles. Three short weeks later, he was taken from us. Awful situation. So, we were left with a bright blue nursery with airplane bedding, wooden letters spelled out across the wall- ELIJAH. We were left an empty crib. I can still remember the way he smelled. I still remember the way he would tuck his little hand in my shirt as he went to sleep. I still remember his little toothless smile when I would go in to get him in the mornings. He was my boy!  Now, almost 2 years later we have two amazing children through adoption.

I share all this because...I know how hard Mother's Day is when you want a child so bad, but it just hasn't happened. Mother's Day is a time to celebrate our mothers. Yes, we all have a mother but Mother's Day represents something different to different people. Maybe this Mother's Day, you are celebrating because you have a tiny little miracle growing inside of you. Maybe this Mother's Day you are celebrating because you are a mother to children that God has blessed you with. Maybe this Mother's Day you aren't celebrating.  Maybe it is because you have lost your mother. Maybe it is because you have empty arms.

Every year women either look forward to or dread this special day that comes once a year. As you might be celebrating the gift of life, I ask you to be sensitive to those other women who might be around you who aren't but wish so badly they were. In church, when the pastor asks the mother's to stand, say a prayer for those women around you sitting who hope to be standing by the next Mother's Day.  Am I saying you need to sit around the house, crying, mourning with those who can't celebrate?? Absolutely not! Celebrate for the gift of little precious children pulling at your leg. Celebrate those sleepless nights. Celebrate the spit-up on your new dress. Celebrate the milestones. Celebrate because you are a mom. However, keep those women who cannot celebrate quite yet, in your thoughts and prayers. Reach out to one of them. Hug them. For their day involves an empty cradle.

The Little Things

Do you ever have one of those times when one thing after another just keeps building and building and building in your system, and finally you can't take it anymore and you finally just melt. I am not talking about a few tear drops. Ladies, I am talking about the full-fledged, throw yourself on the bed, mascara running all over the place, snot oozing out of your nose, sobbing into your pillow kind of meltdown???Yeah, well I had one of those last night. It is good for the soul. Right? After listing the many things that have been building up inside me to my husband, he put his arms around me and just listened and reassured me that everything is going to be ok. One of the things that I told him was that I just feel so unappreciated at time. Those of you with small children or those of you who have once had small children probably can understand where I am coming from. Although, my husband is always telling me thank you for this and that, it just sometimes isn't enough. It's not his fault. I am a woman. :) I have unrealistic expectations sometimes.

You see, some days I feel like I do the same things over and over and over again. Clean up the toys, do the laundry, make the bed, put ALL the books away that are scattered hither and yon, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, make supper, do baths for the kids, pick up the toys again, and then do it all over the next day. I wonder if anybody really notices, or if anybody really appreciates it. Or, is it just expected? As I was wiping away the tears, and wiping the snot from every crevice of my face (or so it seemed), I was reminded of an incident that happened just a few weeks ago......

The morning had been a not so good morning. Both kids were just in one of those moods. Crying, whining, not listening, etc. I had to go to the store for something (don't remember what for), and as I was driving to the store, I prayed that there would be a parking spot open beside one of the "cart collector stations." (not sure what they are really called) I wanted it to be a very fast trip, and this was just one of those things that would make this trip more smooth. I got to Meijer, and it was PACKED. Great! One more thing! I circled the parking lot and the only spots left were far out, not by the carts. I debated whether or not just to go home, but I had to get this item so we had to go in. I got out of my car, and a gentleman came towards me with a cart. He said..."Ma'am, would you like to have my cart?" I looked at him with tears welling up in my eyes. I said, "Yes. Yes I sure would! You have no idea how much this cart means to me!!" He looked at me with such confusion on his face and walked away. That was my reminder that God does care about the little things in life. He does notice when I pick up those lego's for the 100th time that day. He does see me cook a meal for my family day after day. He does hear those sighs while putting the books back on the shelf. See, what may have seemed like a funny prayer to me to get a parking spot by the carts, wasn't a funny prayer to God. Just like He cares about our biggest problems, He cares about those small things too.

So as I was sniffling myself to sleep last night, it was like God reminded me of that one afternoon in the Meijer parking lot. Those things that I do day after day after day, He sees. He appreciates. He notices. So, if God cares about these little things that you and I do, then surely He knows the anxiety about I have about our future. I am reminded of an old hymn. I have been humming it all day.

"God will take care of you, through everyday, o'er all the way. He will take care of you, God will take care of you."

So whether it be a shopping cart, or a move, or a family tragedy....God knows. God cares. God gives grace.

Wet Glass Bottle

Over the past 2 or 3 weeks, I have either read, heard, or have been reminded of a certain verse. I have read it in my devotions, I have read it in different places on Facebook, I have heard it on the radio. I kept thinking how cool it was to hear and read that verse over and over, but then it dawned on me that God must be wanting to remind me how faithful He is to His children even when it doesn't seem like He is hearing my earnest prayers.

Psalm 56:8  "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."

I have heard this verse and read it many times over the years, but when you get married, start your own life and life starts happening, this verse takes on a whole new meaning. The other night I was laying in bed and it was around 1:00 in the morning and I couldn't get to sleep. I had just read this verse on Facebook somewhere that day and I got to thinking about it. I prayed that God would constantly remind me of this verse when hardships come. I then began thinking deeply about this verse. When I see or read this verse, a very clear picture comes to mind. Here in the Grinstead household, we get all our milk delivered in a cooler on our porch every week. We love it. The milk we get comes in glass bottles. Clean, clear glass bottles with a tight lid on them. That is the type of bottle I picture in this verse. I also picture "HEATHER" written across it with big bold letters. Yes, of course there are lots of Heather's in the this world, but this bottle with "HEATHER" written across it is mine, and God knows that this bottle is for this Heather, not the Heather living in another town. My bottle is getting full. What looks like a bunch of clear (with a little mascara) liquid to me, they look totally different to God. See, God knows exactly what each tear drop in my bottle represents. I don't remember what all I have shed tears over in my 27 years of life, but I do remember some top moments that brought me to shambles. God knows which of my tears were shed when I got in trouble as a little girl, or when I sat in the car with mom and dad after I just found out I didn't make the volleyball team, or when I got in a fight with my best friend, or when we got the phone call that my grandma had died, or when I was homesick at camp, or how about when we only saw 1 line on millions (or so it seemed) of home pregnancy tests, or when we lost our precious little son Eli, or when we thought we were going to lose Lina'e, or that time when we didn't know how we were going to put a meal on the table for our kids. God knows exactly how many tears were shed in those life events and He has recorded them all. My tears are not forgotten. God knows. God remembers.

See, those tears that we cry, are all recorded with God. They are not forgotten. When things in life happen and I feel like God isn't listening or hearing my prayers, He always takes me by the hand and He sits me down. (This is how I envision it in my mind) He finds my glass bottle on one of the highest shelves. My bottle is amongst Bill's and Jennifer's and Sue's. He gets my bottle down and sits down with me. He takes the lid off and He begins to pour my tears out very slowly. And as He pours out each tear, He reminds me what that tear was for. After He shows me and reminds me of all my tears, He looks at me and says, "Heather, my child, if I know what all of these tears mean and represent, what makes you think that I don't know what you need?" And as I sit in silence with tears flowing down my face, God quietly places them in my bottle.  

Maybe your tears represent something different than mine. Perhaps your tears represent the loss of a job, or the loss of a child or spouse, or your house being forclosed on, or losing a pet, or having a miscarriage, or burning the meal that you were going to serve to your guests, or a flat tire on a rainy day, or when your child has gone on a different path than you hoped, or when you are hoping for and waiting on a child. Sometimes our tears seems so silly in a situation, but you know what? God doesn't think they are silly. Tears represent hurt. God knows our hearts. You have a clear glass bottle with your name written in big, bold letters across it just like I do. Maybe yours is getting full too. God always takes us back to our big, wet, glass bottles. He reminds us about His faithfulness in all our situations of life. If He knows your tears, if He knows my tears, then surely He knows our wants and needs. Re-visit your glass bottle, and I am sure you will be reminded once more of God's faithfulness.

Hero for a Day

This past week, we had the wonderful opportunity to got to Florida with my parents, my sister, and my 7 month old niece. Our days included early morning sunrises with Krispy Kreme doughnuts, walks on the beach, seashell hunting, swimming, laying out, eating out at yummy restaurants, laughing, people watching, walks on the boardwalk, shopping, etc. Most of the time was spent at the beach and pool but we took one day and headed to Disney World for the day. Lina'e, Kagon, and Adriana both had a special shirt to wear for the day, they each had a cute Disney Stroller, they had their sunglasses, and they were ready for the day. The whole time we were in the car on the way to Disney, my excitement grew and grew. I was excited because I had experienced the whole Disney thing before and loved it. I was even more excited this time because I got to take my kiddos this time. I couldn't wait to see their reactions. I couldn't wait to experience Disney this time, through their eyes.

We got there shortly after Magic Kingdom opened. We got our tickets, took potty breaks, and then we were just in time for the parade that was about to start in 10 minutes. We were right on the sidewalk, right where the parade would be coming through, so we parked our strollers, and sat down and tried to wait patiently for the parade to start. Those 10 minutes seemed like an eternity. See, to my 2 little kids, we were just sitting on an ordinary sidewalk as a family enjoying the nice Florida breeze. Then the music began to play. My heart started racing, the excitement was stronger than ever in my heart.

As a parent, I am sure many of you can relate. Times are sometimes tough and although we want to give our kids the world, and would love to do something like this everyday for them, reality is...we can't. So, when we as parents can do something this special for our children, it feels soooooo good. The music began to play, and I could hear cheering and clapping, and could see glimpses of the Disney floats. I hear Mickey and Minnie talking and then the talking gets closer. There they are. There are the mice that we had been counting down the days to see. Lina'e claps and and yells, "There he (Mickey) is!!!" Then comes Cinderella, and Snow White, and Beauty and the Beast, Ariel, etc. Seeing our 1 year old little boy wave to Mickey Mouse like he has never waved before, and to see our 2 year old little girl blow kisses back to Cinderella were enough to make tears flow from my eyes. The whole thing was magical. I wish I could take those few seconds of pure magic from my kids' perspective, and bottle it up forever. My tears were not tears of sadness, but tears of happiness. That day, I felt like I did give them the world. That day as we rode Dumbo, It's A Small World, Ariel, etc., I enjoyed the magic through my kids eyes. It isn't everyday that they get to experience that.

After spending about 14 hours at the most magical place on earth, we loaded up the car, put the kids in their carseats with their new soft Mickey and Minnie Mouse, and within minutes, both children were out. As I looked back into the back seat and saw their cute little faces fast asleep, squeezing tight their Mickey and Minnie, I could only imagine what kind of dreams they were having. Just as they were squeezing their Mickey and Minnie, I prayed that God would allow them to hang on tight to the memories of that day, even though they are only 2 years old and 1 year old. What a great day of memories with our children. That day, I truly felt like their hero!

Fairy Dust Faith

This past weekend, my husband and I had the pleasure of taking our little girl to see Disney on Ice in downtown Indianapolis. This was our very first time introducing her to the magic of anything Disney. (well, besides her Tiana and Ariel barbies) This was her first time to experience the wonder, magic, and awe that you get to experience when any Disney character is right in front of you. Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Tinkerbell, Ariel, and Mater were just a few that her little blue eyes got to see. She was sitting on my husband's lap. I planned it that way. I wanted to capture into a photograph, her cute little face in complete awe of this magical show taking place right before her eyes. As a voice came over the speakers, telling us the show was about to start, I got out our camera and was ready to take pictures of her taking it all in. It didn't go as planned. When the lights went out, and the spotlight went to the curtain, out came Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse in a cute little red car, and they drove around on the ice talking and waving to all the children. See, I wanted so badly to get some pictures right at the moment, but instead my heart melted. I wish I could explain her looks, expressions, and excitement at that moment. Her excitement and wonder didn't stop there. The whole night her face was just so precious watching all the characters skate around on the ice and in her little eyes, it was all magic. In her eyes, Tinkerbell could do absolutely anything. My eyes were filled with happy tears throughout the night just watching my daughter fall in love with something so magical and fun. Instead of snapping pictures right away, I had to just sit and watch her take it all in, and watch each Disney character with that twinkle in her eyes. 

Without going into detail, yesterday, Will and I "got the wind knocked out of our sail" financially. Something we were not expecting, hit us like a ton of bricks. So, today I have really felt just simply "blah." I put the kids to bed for nap time and I sat down with my computer and turned on the song "Your Presence is Heaven to Me" with Israel Houghton singing it. It is a song that we sing often in church, and it is my personal song I go to when I need a pick me up and a reminder that God is with me in every situation in life. I then looked through the pictures of the Disney on Ice on my facebook page. There are some cute pictures that captured my cutie's awe and wonder. I then got to thinking. What if I had that same wonder, awe, and mindset that Lina'e had that night. The mindset that Tinkerbell could do absolutely ANYTHING with her fairy dust (aka:glitter). What if I had the mindset that my God could do ANYTHING if I just had the same faith of my child. What if I had that same child-like faith to believe that my God is going to supply all our needs. Time and time and time again, He has proved Himself faithful to me, to us. Why am I having such a hard time right now believing that God is going to provide for us financially? If I can believe with enough faith that God is going to answer my small prayers such as giving me energy for the day, or Kagon eating his meal without a fit, or allowing me to get laundry done, then why can't I have enough faith that God is going to take care of us during this time? Last summer, we moved to a place where we pay a ridiculous amount in rent each month (cheapest around here ), and we had to live on Will's financial aid money from May until September. ($3500). We made it through. I have absolutely no idea how we made it (although it was a very long summer), but we did. God provided over and over and over again. So why when I know He has brought us through one of our toughest financial spots yet, why can't I trust Him this time. Maybe it's because I am human. Maybe it is because I want to try to fix it by myself. Maybe it is because I truly lack the faith that I need to overcome this hurdle. Yeah, we are in a rough spot right now but I know that He will see us through. I am going to start having fairy dust faith, the type of faith that I can believe anything can happen with the God I serve. Little did Lina'e know it, she taught her mommy a very important lesson. She taught me to see things through the eyes of a child. If Lina'e can believe that there really is a mermaid that lives under the sea with a talking fish and a talking crab, and if she can believe that there is a little fairy that flies around sprinkling fairy dust everywhere, then certainly I can believe that God is going to take us out of this valley and take us to our mountaintop soon.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not....

Where do I even begin?? I guess I will take you back to last weekend when in the car with just my husband, I asked him..."Do you think Kagon loves me?" Will was so quick to answer "of course he loves you!" I didn't really believe him. The past couple weeks have really been a struggle for me as a mom. With Lina'e, it was and is so easy to relate to her. I know how to play house with baby dolls and I know how to love pink and I know how to cook pretend food at a pretend kitchen. I know how to do all those things. But, little guy loves trucks, race cars, dinosaurs, and anything that is loud and noisy. I don't know how to play with trucks or race cars. All I know to do with those is to run them all over the floor and say, "vroom, vroom." So, as a mom I feel as if I don't know how to be a mom to Kagon. I don't know how to connect with him. I never had a brother, and wasn't really around boys all that often growing up. The last few weeks have been kinda rough. Many days have ended with tears from me and Kagon, praying that God would allow the next day to be better and to forgive me for those moments that I became a little less patient with him. 
Some days are REALLY good, and some days aren't so good. Some days I go to bed feeling like the worst mom in the world, and some days I go to bed feeling like a pretty darn good mom. Being a mom to Lina'e  comes so easy for me. Being a mom to Kagon is something I am learning to do. I love Kagon with my whole being, but he is a boy and I need to learn how to relate to him and how to love him for being all boy. I need to learn how to use my imagination with dinosaurs, trucks, cars, dirt, and boogers. Some days I feel like Kagon doesn't love me. As a 1 year old little boy, I don't even know if he understands the word love. But, I know he can feel what love means. I want him to be able to feel MY love. 
One night last week I was busy doing something around the house and walked down the hall and happened to glance back into Kagon's room, and there I saw my husband sitting in the rocking chair with a sweet little boy cuddled up on his chest asleep. In that one quick moment, I was jealous and heartbroken. I hurried into the kitchen and wiped away a tear or two and tried to regain my composure. I began questioning myself. "Why don't I get to have moments like that with him?" My days seem to be filled with "No, no Kagon" or "Kagon, don't open the cabinets" or "Kagon, don't go back there." So at the end of the day, I am so exhausted. Some days I feel like all I have said is NO. 
I want my kids to grow up knowing they were loved all the time, not just some of the time. There has never been a moment that I haven't loved both my kids. There have been times when I want to just go hide in our room and lock the door (ok, so I have done that) but there has never been a time where I don't love my kids. These children are what I prayed for. This dark eyed little boy is who I prayed for. When I prayed for a child, I didn't ask for specifics. I simply just wanted children. God picked me to be Kagon's mommy. He must have thought I could handle it. With God's presence and help, I can handle being a mom to Kagon. I can handle bugs, farts, boogers, dirt, and trucks. I prayed with my whole heart for this child. Some days are going to be rough. Some days we are going to float on cloud nine. When I think about it, my heart becomes so overwhelmed.....Out of all the women in this world, God chose ME to be Kagon's mom. God chose ME to be Lina'es mom.
I have learned some things since that night I saw my husband and son cuddled up in the rocking chair together. I have learned that I don't have those moments with Kagon often because I don't make the time. I learned that I don't know what to do with trucks and cars because I don't try. I have learned that all boys are pretty much the same, and I have to love Kagon for being a boy. I have learned that my son needs my love more than ever. And, I have learned that I need more time with my boy. So, from here on out, I am going to start using my imagination with cars, trucks, and dinosaurs. From here on out, I am going to TRY to not let things stress me out as much. And from here on out, I will rock my little boy to sleep, take all the cuddles I can get, wipe the never ending snot with a smile, and smell all the boy smells. For in the blink of an eye, he will be a grown man discovering how to be a dad to his own children. I don't want him to remember his mommy for her short temper, keeping the house immaculate every day, or making sure he didn't get into the pots and pans. I want him to remember me for being patient and loving, putting him before the housework, and letting him be his own band with all the pots and pans his little heart desired. I want to be a mom who is always remembered for loving unconditionally, floors covered with toys, and for pointing my children to Christ.

The Battle of the Moms

I have been brewing over this blog post for several months now, debating whether I should write it or not, worried that I might step on toes, etc. However, I reached my decision the other day when I overheard 2 moms discussing their differences in parenting. You could tell that they both were trying to get the "badge" for being the better mom. I sat there listening as I thought of SEVERAL times I have had discussions with other moms or posts on Facebook I have seen or even posts I have written on Facebook. It was at that time, that there are all these women on this earth battling it out for the title of  "BEST MOM."

There are all kinds of moms out there.... Moms that give their child sugar before they are 1, moms who don't give a rip about feeding their kids everything organic, moms that feed their child everything organic, moms who just breastfeed until their child is 1, moms that don't offer juice, moms that give juice, moms who are germaphobe's, mom's who don't mind if their child eats off the table at a restaurant, moms who cloth diaper, moms who use disposable diapers, moms who breastfeed starting at birth, moms who formula feed at birth, moms who use chemical free cleaners, moms who use the regular cleaners, moms who spank, moms who think their children are angels and never discipline, moms who use time-out, moms who sign with their children, moms who use words with their children, moms who do everything for their children, moms who make their children help around the house, moms who work, moms who stay at home, moms who are rich, and moms who live paycheck to paycheck, moms who spoil their kids, moms who make their children work for what they have, moms who are patient, moms who have little patience, moms that have adopted, moms that have carried their babies, and the list goes on and on and on.

Time and time again I ask myself why I compare myself to other moms? I have 2 great kids that I am so happy and thankful that God chose me to be their mom. If God chose me to be Lina'e and Kagon's mom, why do I need to be comparing myself to "Sue" and "Sally?" Sue and Sally were not made to be Lina'e and Kagon's mom, I was. So if that is true, why do we moms constantly compare ourselves to other moms and why do we try to constantly make ourselves look/sound like the best mom in the whole world? If we use disposable diapers, why do we make that mom who cloth diapers feel like they are ridiculous for doing it? If you breastfeed, why do you make the moms that formula feed feel like they are holding back something great from their poor little formula fed baby? Or why do those of you that feed your child only organic stuff make the parents that don't care about that stuff feel like they are killing their children with all this processed stuff? And why do those moms who are stay at home moms make those moms who work feel like they are depriving their children of a good life? I don't have a good answer to any of those questions. I myself have done it several times, and I have had it done to me numerous times. I am sure I have hurt others by my words and conversations, and I for sure knows how it feels to be on the receiving side of it. 

We ladies are human. We have a sense of pride for our children and our role as a mother. Do we like to intentionally hurt people or brag about what a good mom we are?? Yeah, sometimes. (If you answered no, then you are lying) Does it make God happy when we continually brag about all we do as a mom, and when we continuously hurt other moms? Absolutely not. What happened to loving each other like God loves us? Loving each other no matter if we cloth diaper or use disposables, give our children juice or water, spank or use time out? Being a mom is such a rewarding job, but it has its bad days too. You know those days when your children won't listen to you, or you feel like you haven't been out of the house for days, or those days when you crave adult interaction?? Yeah, we all know we have had those bad days as a mom. So, how about we act our age and become mature women who encourage other moms, love each other unconditionally, and build each other up instead of constantly rubbing in each other's faces that we are the best mom. Because, the reality of it is.......the only world that you are the BEST mom in, is the world of your child's. You are the BEST mom for them, not Sue or Sally's children. God designed you for YOUR children, and YOUR children only. So, let's take care of our own children how we want, and keep our noses out of Sue and Sally's parenting business, and lift each other up. Give yourself a pat on the back, and a ribbon of honor for being the mom God created you to be to your children. That is all that is required of you. Love yourself, love your kids, and love your fellow moms.

Lemons and Plums: The Sours and Sweets of 2012

2012 started as a very scary year, but God had a special blessing in store to lift our spirits. You see, at the beginning of 2012 we were facing the trial of our little girl Lina'e. We were scared that this was going to be the year that we would lose Lina'e back to her birth family. However, in the midst of that fear, on January 3, 2012, Will and I went to Johnny Carino's with our attorney to meet a birthmom. We talked, ate, laughed, shared pics, etc. and left having a feeling of success. Just two short weeks later, I called into work because Lina'e had been up all night coughing and being miserable. I was laying in bed, and around 10:00 AM, I got a call from the birthmom's mom telling me that Will and I should get to the hospital because it wouldn't be much longer before our little guy would make his entrance into this world. My heart started racing (excitement, fear, etc) and I hurried upstairs to get Lina'e and I hurried and packed a diaper bag as well as I could with everything on my mind at that time. I called Will (he was at work) and told him what was happening and that I would be at his work in about 10 minutes. I picked him up and we headed straight to the hospital. We took the elevator up to the delivery floor and there I was greeted by birthmoms mom. Will stayed with Lina'e in the waiting room and she took me back to birthmoms room. I was nervous and excited and scared. Nervous that it would be awkward in the room with her and her family, excited to meet our new baby boy, and scared that we would meet precious Kagon and birthmom change her mind. Birthmom was so generous and kind to allow me to be in the room when he was born. The time came for her to push. She literally pushed not even one full push, and out he came. The doctor asked, "Who is cutting the cord?" and birthmom said...."His mom is." and look over at me. It was at that moment, I knew this was a done deal. It was in that moment I knew that this little 5 pound baby was ours forever. Due to some reliance of pain pills from the womb, Kagon had to stay in the NICU for 3 weeks. Those were the LONGEST 3 weeks of my life. We just wanted to take him home and we were always so torn being at the hospital and not being with Lina'e and vice versa. I remember going to the hospital for hours on end late in the evenings to early mornings and my late night chats with the NICU nurses. I remember the day we got to take him home, and it was such a fun day! He adjusted so well, and Lina'e loved watching him and trying to figure out this new "thing" in her world.

While we enjoyed our days as a family of 4, we had this black cloud of losing our daughter hanging over our heads daily. How were we supposed to enjoy life and enjoy things as a family, when the possibility of Lina'e getting sent back with her crazy birthfamily was looming over us? Prayer! Lots and Lots of prayer. There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed, and there were days when I didn't want to put Lina'e to bed because in my head, I wanted some special times to treasure in case these were my last days with her. I remember people saying to me and Will time and time again, "You have to trust God." Yeah, in my head I know that, but in my heart, I am scared. Scared of losing my princess. Scared of reliving the day when we lost Eli. It is so easy to trust God when we are on our mountaintop. However, when we are down in our lowest valley, God seems so far. I knew in my head that God already knew the outcome, but my heart was busy storing up memories with my precious daughter in case our time with her was coming to an end. Through the next 5 months, prayer was a big part of our lives and other peoples lives. People all over the USA were praying for our situation and for Lina'e to stay where she belonged. At times, I felt like God must have been so sick of hearing the same thing from me. And, at times, I felt like I couldn't pray at all. I was tired of praying. I was tired of praying and my prayers not getting answered. It was in those times, I was so thankful for people praying me through and for God already knowing what was on my heart even when I couldn't speak. 

To make a long story short, our trial date was set for June 12th I believe. Two weeks before the trial, everything was dropped! We were able to work out some things with Lina'es birthmom and we didn't end up having to go to trial. I remember that night so vividly. Will and I got in our car and we hugged for a very long time and cried and cried and cried. We prayed with each other and thanked God for this HUGE weight off our shoulders. He had answered our prayers, in His timing, not ours! So, after that, we felt like we could truly start living again. Living as a family of 4 forever. 

The summer of 2012 consisted of moving to Indianapolis, days at the pool, day trips, a vacation to New York, Will's birthday, my birthday, my sisters birthday, and the birth of my niece. It was a great summer. A summer of relaxation. Then in the fall we had my dad's birthday, Halloween (Kagon was a penguin and Lina'e was a ladybug), Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and our year literally ended with a great trip out to Maryland to see my sister, her husband, and little Adriana.

While we were in Maryland, we went to church with my sister and her husband. The pastor was talking about the year coming to a close and remember the things of the year that left you speechless. Speechless in a way, that words just couldn't explain. You know those things that happen that a "thank you" to God just doesn't even come close to how grateful you feel? Even in the midst of our "sour times" in 2012, we had a few "sweets." We had a couple of those moments when your heart is so overwhelmed with thankfulness, that you can't even find the words to thank the Lord with. There were many times after Lina'es trial was dropped that I just cried to God. Except these tears were tears of pure happiness. 

My sours of 2012 are FAR outweighed by the sweets. I can't put into words how grateful we are to have Lina'e forever. I couldn't even imagine a day without her. I remember laying in bed (before everything was dropped) and thinking about what kind of things we would have to face and do without her if we lost her. Looking back, my faith was lacking. My faith was simply non-existent. My joy, my hope in God, my zest for life....gone. But, it is in those times that God does some incredible things. He uses your weakest times to boost your faith and trust in Him. When I was ready to throw in the towel, and give up on God, He came and He made Himself known. In my eyes, He performed a miracle. 

As I look back on 2012, there are a few things that I learned. #1...I learned to enjoy life with your loved ones because they may be gone the next day. #2....I learned that God does things in HIS timing, not ours. #3...I learned that God chose me and Will to be parents of 2 special children through the awesomeness of adoption. #4......I learned that there will be times in life when you will break, and even though you have been a Christian for years and years, you may feel like jumping off the bandwagon.

I also learned that God is faithful to His children and He gives His children the desires of their heart. Yes, I already knew that in my head, but my heart had to experience it. The desire of my heart for 2012 was to be able to keep Lina'e forever. I didn't want to take her back to that family. I didn't want to drive off with an empty carseat and an empty space in my heart. The one thing I forgot in all that though, is that God knew all that. God knew my heavy heart. So in those times of non-existent faith and trust, He knew my heart. In those times when I couldn't pray, He knew my heart. In those times when I felt like running away from life, He knew my heart. And, because He knew my heart, He gave me the desires of my heart. He just answered in His timing, and not mine. 2012 brought us scary times, but it also brought us our sweet Kagon who truly loves life and loves his sissy. He is always smiling, and loves cuddles. God knew we needed Kagon at the beginning of 2012. Kagon was our ray of sunshine through our sours. But, in the end, our year ended sweet. Lina'e and Kagon, I pray that some day you will truly know how much you were wanted and prayed for. You both are our world. I pray that one day you will find true happiness in the One that turned this momma's heavy heart into a heart overflowing with thankfulness.