F is for: Facts

Couldn't get in the mindset to write something creative, uplifting, funny, etc....so I am jsut gonna give you some facts about myself. :)

1. I was brought back to life twice at the age of 2

2. My greatest fears are snakes, spiders, failure, and death

3. I am an adoptive mom of two beautiful children

4. I failed my driving test once before I passed

5. Some of my biggest pet peeves are: hearing people chew, when people lick their fingers, when lights are left on, anything sticky, when phones become more important that interacting with people, etc...

6. Some of my favorite things: lines in the carpet after vacuuming, Plexus, warm bubble baths, jordan almonds, pedicures, sunsets, sand between my toes, the Gaither's (yes, I know I am only 29 :) ), the color red, a new outfit, banana bread, flannel sheets, strawberry limeade's, Christmas, tanning, a soft blanket, etc...

7. I have always wanted to go to Hawaii

8. Two of my biggest dreams are to open a homeless shelter and to write a children's book about adoption

9. I have always wanted 4-6 kids

10. I have always wanted to jump in a pool of either spaghetti or Jell-O :)

11. Some of my favorite movies are: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles...Bridesmaids...Dirty Dancing...What's Eating Gilbert Grape....Sound of Music....Saving Mr. Banks......Titanic.....Pollyanna....League of their Own

12. I have a scar on my forehead from when my childhood friend, Kelly, pushed me down the stairs

13. I have to sleep with a fan on

14. I get scared when I am at home alone

15. I love to cook/bake

Well, that's it for now....time for bed!!!

E is for : Ecuador

Last summer, I had the opportunity to go on a missions trip to Ecuador. We did a variety of things during that week, and we had a wonderful time. One part of the trip though will forever be etched in my mind and on my heart. We drove to a little countryside town with people who had welcoming smiles and giving hands but poor ways of living and empty hearts. They needed Jesus.

I will never forget the day, that I was standing in a muddy field with the rain pouring down....overlooking the mountains and valleys of the town. There I stood, with a woman who didn't have much but wanted to hear how Jesus would be all that she would need. As the raindrops ran down my face, so did the tears...watching her pray and accept Jesus as her very own personal Savior. It was in that moment that I realized that I probably would never see her again on earth, but I would see her in Heaven. I learned a lot that day. I learned that my wants are hardly ever my needs. I learned that I what I have, some people pray for those things everyday. I was reminded that Jesus is all I need. I learned that my heart needs more compassion for people.

That week, God opened my eyes and softened my heart. Some days I feel like what I do doesn't matter. Some days I feel like my days are the same thing day in and day out. But it was in that week that God reminded me that what I do everyday IS important and those things DO matter because He has CALLED me to me a mom. Those little things that go unnoticed, and those diaper changes, and song after song, and load of laundry after load of laundry....it does matter. God notices and He appreciates and loves me.

D is for : Dad

There is something special about the relationship between a daughter and her dad. Unfortunately, not everyone gets to experience it. Some girls grow up without a father present. Some girls grow up with their dad present, but live in fear. I am very thankful that I was raised in a home with both parents present. My dad was and still is a hard worker. He always had my back. He always supported me. He always believed in me. Most importantly, he always loved me.

When there is love, there is discipline. I remember several times that I got in trouble with dad. I knew that if I got in trouble at school, then I would always get in trouble at home. I remember getting in trouble for getting into mom's makeup with a friend, and getting caught. I hurriedly tried to scrub the lipstick off her face and in the process, knocked her front tooth out. Or the time that I pushed my sister into the creek that was by our house. Or the time he caught me making out.......
Alright...enough of that.....How about some good memories....


My dad was always so creative during my childhood. He would put cotton on a glass at Christmas time to make us believe that Santa had really been there and drank the milk and ate the cookies. Dad always made sure our cars for the Awana Grand Prix were always perfectly greased and looked pretty awesome. He has always been a really great April Fools prankster too. If one of my toys broke, he would find a way to fix it. When I was little, we would color together and I would be amazed at his mad coloring skills. He also would draw different basketball jerseys and color them and I would cut them out and glue them in a book. Dad was always a good cook, and rarely used a recipe.

Dad has always loved my mom. They had their times of arguments and stressful times, but they would always make it through. They never gave up, and they never threw in the towel. I remember our family had a burgundy Buick and my sister and I would ride in the back. Sometimes, dad would put his arm under my mom's on the armrest. I loved that as a little kid. In that moment, I knew things were okay. In that moment, I felt safe. My parents made sacrifices. My parents made it through some pretty hard struggles. I am thankful for the love that my dad has for my mom.

I am thankful that I can cry in front of my dad, and I am thankful that I can laugh with him. We have had some pretty great laughs over the years. However, my dad is not really a man of many words. As I thought about what thing I cherish most from my dad...it would be what he put in cards. Whether it was a birthday card, or a Valentine's card, or a "thinking of you" card while I was in college...his little messages spoke volumes. I always looked forward to reading my cards because I knew that I could count on my dad's words to make me teary.

Dad, thank you for loving me unconditionally, having my back, being one of my biggest fans, and for loving my mom. Always, your little girl!

"A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart."

C is for : Chaos

If you were to drive by our house, you would find a quaint little farm house sitting just on the edge of the country. Cows roaming in the grass on one side, and our church on the other. You will often find me sitting on the porch swing when the weather is nice. You will see inviting lighted candles in each window at night. In the spring you will find brightly colored flowers planted in the flower beds and colorful flowers hanging from the porch. At first glance, things might seem peaceful and calm. 

If you were to step inside our home, you would find something very different. Chaos. Chaos from sun up to sun down. Changing diapers, load after load of laundry, washing dishes left from 2 nights before, breaking up childish fights, planning meals, telling our 4 year old to stop holding the dog by her neck, telling our son to quit picking his nose, reminding the kids to pick up their toys if they want to get something else out, yelling at Kagon not to put crayons up his nose, and the list goes on and on. Some days are LOOOONNNNNGGGG. Some days bring me to tears. Some days I just want to close my bedroom door, blare my music, and not come out until the next day. But, even in the midst of those long and tiresome days, God sends along little reminders that He is with me and what I am doing matters. Whether it be a text message or a facebook message from someone just checking on me, or a brief moment when I can belly laugh with my kids over something silly, or something as simple as sunshine after such a long dreary winter. 

See, in the midst of all this chaos that I call life, I am still able to look into my kids' eyes and tell them I love them and mean it. Even after long days of dirty diapers, messy faces, a puppy and cat chasing each other in laps around the house, dinners that burn, a son that pops Barbie heads off to make his sister mad, a 4 year old little girl that sometimes thinks she runs the roost....I can breathe a sigh of relief around 8:00 pm because I know that I made it through another day. Everyone is tucked into bed, prayers were said, songs were sung, foreheads were kissed....all to get ready to do it all over again the next day. The chaos in my life will not always be here. My chaos will turn into silence soon enough. When my house is empty, I will wish my chaos back. 

So, if you drive by and the flowers are blooming and the candles are lit...know that inside that front door, life if happening. I might still be in my pajamas at noon, and there may be dishes in the sink from two nights ago, and there may be dirty clothes all over the floors, and the dog may be hanging by the neck in the little hands of a four year old, and the house may smell like one big poopy diaper. But, I assure you that every boo boo is getting kissed, every tear is wiped away, every little belly is getting full, stories are being read, songs are being sung, movies are being watched, nails are being painted, dress up clothes are being worn, adoption stories are being told, and my kids hear I love you's. Some days my chaos is overwhelming. Some days my chaos literally brings me to my knees because I can't do it anymore. Some days my chaos leaves me absolutely exhausted. But when I am still swinging on my porch swing and I have nothing more than memories of little feet and and little fingerprints on "just cleaned glass," I will miss my chaos. So for now, I will live in the moment. My chaos is a gift. The days are long but the years are short. 

B is for : Best Friend-

I believe that your life isn't complete until you have a best friend in it. Today, I am thankful for mine. We were close friends in high school, but after I graduated and got married, we didn't really talk anymore. About 11 years went by. In those 11 years, we would have small talk here and there on Facebook but that was about it. Last Spring, I purchased a membership to Planet Fitness. As you know, it is never that fun to work out by yourself. So, I knew she had a membership so I facebooked her and asked if she wanted to meet me there to workout. We met there and it was awkward. We hadn't seen each other in such a long time. We didn't really know who each other was anymore. We left the gym, went our separate ways, and I thought to myself..."Well that was nice, but I doubt if this friendship thing will bloom again." A little bit later we went to the gym again and then spent about 2 hours at Steak 'N' Shake. We talked, laughed, and caught each other up on our lives.

As I think back on the past year (almost), I think about all the fun things we have done. Gym workouts, vacation to Virginia, pool times, drive in movies, State Fair, Indians Game, comedy shows, church, and the list goes on and on. She has become part of our family almost. She loves and cares about my kids and my kids love her. We have plenty of times that we are silly and goofy doing fun things, but another part of the friendship that I am thankful for is that we can have serious conversations too. We have had many deep conversations about our beliefs, God, and life in general. She has seen me cry ugly tears, she has seen my mood swings, she was there for me when I said goodbye to my dreams and had a hysterectomy, she has seen me embarrass myself, she has seen me embarrass her, she has watched me search, she has seen me disappointed, she has seen me angry. She has seen me in my valleys and she has seen me on my mountaintops. She prays for me, she cares about me, and she is there for me no matter what. We fight and there are times that we drive each other crazy. But, it all comes out in the wash. If you don't have a friend like this...go find one!

Thanks Alyssa for the fun, laughter, lessons, and memories! So thankful for you and what our friendship means to me!

"A good friend knows all your best stories but a best friend has lived them with you."

A is for: Adoption

I could not think of a better word to write about than something that is a huge part of my story. Adoption. Adoption is a journey. Adoption involves roller coaster emotions and is definitely not for the faint of heart. When I look at my two kids, I remember what they survived. I remember that God saved them so I could be their mommy. My children are 4 and 3 and they are just now starting to become interested in their adoption story. I have had some pretty neat conversations with them in the past week. The fact that they are adopted has never been a secret and it has never been something that we were afraid to talk to them about. When I think about their stories, it brings tears to my eyes. Out of all the women in the world....God picked ME, an ordinary person living in flat-land Indiana, to be their mom. What a privilege! Some days are long and some days I want to pull my hair out, but at the end of the day, when we are saying our goodnight prayers and singing our bedtime songs, and their hand reaches for mine or their puckered lips kiss me goodnight, it makes all the tough times worth it.

Adoption is the perfect picture of what Christ did for me and for you. I cannot imagine where I would be without Him. I can't imagine what kind of life I would be living. But, His love was so great for me that He saved me from a life that could have been nothing short of a disaster. For that, I am thankful.

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still MIRACULOUSLY my own. Never forget for a single minute: you didn't grow under my heart but in it."

Dear Eli...

Dear Eli,
Five years have passed. Five years ago I picked up the phone to hear a lady on the other end telling me we were chosen to be your parents. I remember sitting in the car alone, bawling my eyes out. You see, my heart longed to be a mommy ever since I was a little girl. I had a dream, and in that moment in the car, my dream had just become a reality. It was a Wednesday, and we were told that we would get to pick you up on Friday morning. My mind began racing...we had NOTHING. That night we went shopping for bottles, blankies, a carseat/stroller, diapers, toys, clothes, pacifiers, a monitor, and and every other thing we could think of that you could possibly need. My mind began wondering if I could be the mother to you that you deserved. Could I possibly love a child that did not grow inside of me for nine months? Would you and me create a special bond as a mother and son? Would you love me back? In the midst of the chaos, fears, anxiety, and excitement, I began praying that I would be able to raise you to want to make Jesus your very own Lord and Savior.

Well, that morning came. I didn't get much sleep the night before. I wondered what you would look like and what you would be wearing and how you would smell and how you would feel snuggled in my arms. We put your carseat in the car, and the packed diaper bag, and off we went. It was a quiet ride. I think our minds were thinking different thoughts, but our hearts were experiencing the same excitement and nervousness. We pulled in, got the carseat and diaper bag out, walked into the building and got on the elevator. We were met with hugs from social workers with happy tears running down their faces. They escorted us to a room to wait for you to arrive.

Minutes seemed like hours. Finally we saw the door open, and walking through the door was a woman carrying a little baby boy, dressed in khaki overalls with little blue shoes on. My heart skipped a beat. The lady asked me if I wanted to hold you and of course I said yes! I put out my arms and took you from hers, and instantly the tears began to flow. All the years of praying for a child, and in that moment, the answer to my prayers was put in my arms. I wasn't sure if my tears were going to stop, but I just basked in that moment. Pictures were being taken, papers were needing signed, instructions were being given...but I didn't care. For all I knew, it was just you and me in that room, looking into each others eyes and realizing that I didn't know what in the world I was doing, but that I would figure it out as we went.

That first day and night were pretty hard. You were getting used to a new place, and I was getting used to the whole mommy thing. Most mommy's have 9 months to prepare...we had 1 day. So forgive me if I wasn't an expert. Forgive me if I didn't know what you wanted. Forgive me if I didn't hold you close enough to drive away your little fears. At the end of our first day, you finally fell asleep. I put you down in your crib, and I prayed over you. This was my prayer...

" Lord, I am so thankful for this little baby boy that you have given us. My years of prayers have been answered. I pray that as he grows up, He will search you and know you and make you the Lord of His life. Lord, I give Eli back to you to use as you would see fit. Thank you so much for placing him in our lives. Amen"

The days got better, the bond between me and you was becoming something so wonderful, and I was enjoying being able to stay home with you. I began thinking about Christmas time and how it would be so wonderful to adopt you around the holidays and how special that would be. Little did I know, the words that I prayed to God the first night we had you, would become literal. See, what I didn't know was, God would literally take you back three short weeks later. 

I remember that day as if it just happened yesterday. I remember being in the fetal position on the ground crying. I remember hitting your daddy's chest, yelling at him to go bring you back. I remember my mom just holding me and letting me moan and yell and sob. From that day on, my days were dark and gloomy.Most days, I didn't think I could go on. There were nights where I would hear you cry, only to run in your room and find an empty crib. There were many times where I would go throw myself on the floor in your bright blue planes and trains nursery, screaming at God. There were times that I would frantically go through your closet searching for something you recently wore, just to smell your scent again. There were days when I had to close your nursery door so I could close out the memory I had of you, even if just for a few minutes. I yearned to have you back in my arms. I wanted so badly to get you out of bed one more time or to have you fall asleep on my chest as I sang you 'Jesus Loves Me.' I wanted to be able to hold you close one last time. It was all taken so quickly. 

Those questions that I asked myself in the beginning...they were answered the moment I met you and held you in my arms. Could I love a child who I did not carry for nine months? Absolutely! I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you! Could we have a special bond? YES! We did have such a special bond. I did my absolute best with you. So, if I did my best and loved you with such an unconditional love, and held you when you cried and put you in God's hands...why did He take you back? Why did He place the answer to my prayers in my arms, then snatch it away in just three short weeks? For years, I was mad at God. The guilt I had in my heart was overwhelming at times. Five years later, and I have tears running down my face as I write this. I still don't understand why, but this is what I do know....

Eli, I loved you from the moment I saw you and today, five years later..I still love you with all of my heart. I sit and wonder what it would be like to watch you play with Lina'e and Kagon and what fun you would bring into our lives. I think about you daily. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  Eli, this mother's heart will love you until the day that I die, but I must move on. God gave you to us for just a short while, but I have to trust that that was God's plan for all of us. I cannot keep trying to change the past and wonder about all the what if's. I am so thankful for the sleepless nights I stayed awake with you singing to you, praying over you, talking to you, and even crying over you. I am so thankful for your smiles, laughs, and little wet sloppy kisses. Those are the things that will last forever in my heart. That first night, I put you in the hands of the One that holds all of my tomorrows, and there is no greater place to leave you, my sweet sweet boy. I love you.

Love,

Mommy